Dear Two Thousand-Year-Old Mummified Corpses,

Hey there. We met today at the Bowers Museum in Santa Ana. I was there with my son (we were on the 11:00 tour) and I just want to say that wow you’re looking great for having been dead over 700 times longer than I’ve been alive. I sure hope I’m holding up as well as you are when museums are schlepping my corps about from exhibit to exhibit in the 41^st century.

So what’s your secret? Is it all about the organ removal? I know you kept your heart for judgement in the afterlife, but don’t you think you should have kept your liver as well? Any afterlife that’s worth the wait is certain to have an open bar; It would be a horrible shame to have to just give the free drinks a miss on account of not having a liver. Do you think I could get by with leaving mine in? Let me know if that’s key to the whole process, though, because I don’t want to screw things up.

I heard that you also pack your body cavity with salt and what have you. Does that really seem like a good idea given that you’re keeping your heart and all? I mean, I don’t want to second guess you. You are the one that’s still looking sharp after 2,000 years of death. I just can’t get over the notion that keeping the heart and surrounding it with all that salt would lead to high blood pressure or something. Isn’t there some sort of salt-free alternative? Maybe you could use some pepper and thyme instead? You mummies really should think about being a little more heart-healthy.

Who did you get to do the work on your sarcophagus? It’s really well done — especially the Eye of Horus you’ve got there. That’s quality stuff. Do you think they’re still working? Maybe you could give me a referral? That would be pretty cool. Do you think they offer some sort of friends and family or frequent-death discount? I’m a sucker for a bargain.

Well, I probably shouldn’t keep you any longer. I know you’ve got a busy schedule — what do you have, four, five tour groups tomorrow? That sounds brutal. Thanks again for all the tips.

With undying gratitude,

Corey

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 14th, 2005 at 10:29 pm and is filed under Letters to Nobody. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.