Post Nasal Drip
Dear Summer Cold,
I will smite thee. Yes, I know that’s a very direct statement and no way to start a friendly letter, but what I am feeling towards you is not friendly in the slightest. Your days are numbered.
The whole thing is planned out. Necessary supplies have been gathered, and I am mentally and physically prepared to do mortal battle with you, loathsome foe. Prepare for your doom.
On the way home from dropping the kid off at school today, I stopped by the grocery and picked up the following:
- 1 gallon of orange juice, fortified with vitamin-C
- 1 package of Sudafed™ brand “nite-time” cold medication (industrial-grade)
- 1 bottle of vitamin-C tablets (800mg)
- 100 dollars in rubles.
- 100 dollars in gold.
- 9 packs of chewing gum.
- 1 issue of prophylactics.
- 3 lipsticks.
- 3 pairs of nylon stockings.
Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Dallas with all that stuff.
Back at the ranch, I was ready rumble. Just you and me, summer cold, mano-a-mano, MORTAL KOMBAT. There was no way you could win. I was armed — to the teeth. I poured myself a glass of OJ, popped the vit-c, banged down a couple of Sudafed™, and your ass, summer cold, is Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
ZZzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
<sfx: phone ringing>
"Huh? No, no I’m not coming in. I’ve got a cold. Fighting it to the death. Mortal Kombat, you understand. What? Yes, I emailed the admin this morning. The TPS report? Oh, yeah, I put it on zzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz."
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
And that, boys and girls, is the story of how I spent all of Thursday in bed and was still a little sniffly at the end of the day.
Best Wishes,
Uncle Corey