Remember that episode of “Cheers” where Woody was betting on the NFL pool? He picked 12 of 12 games one week and decided to put $1,000 on his picks for the next week. His method: decide who should win by looking at the team names. If Chicago was playing Miami, you know pretty well that Chicago would win because a bear would almost certainly beat a dolphin. In the show, Woody hit all 12 of the games the week he bet, but Sam hadn’t placed the bet because Woody’s method couldn’t possibly work two weeks in a row. Woody was pretty angry, but he eventually forgave Sammy.

Perhaps Woody was on to something? At the very least, it’d be an amusing diversion to run through all of the leagues and see who would emerge victorious if they played one big single-elimination tournament. Let’s start as close as we can to Woody’s system by having a go with the NFL first. I’ve seeded the teams alphabetically by their names.

NFC tournament

1. Arizona Cardinals
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Chicago Bears
5. Dallas Cowboys
6. Detroit Lions
7. Green Bay Packers
8. Minnesota Vikings
9. New Orleans Saints
10. New York Giants
11. Philadelphia Eagles
12. San Francisco 49ers
13. Seattle Seahawks
14. St. Louis Rams
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
16. Washington Redskins

Cardinals v. Redskins

A little bird against an indian? Sorry, an indigenous person? Either way, the red man wins. Redskins

Falcons v. Buccaneers

Bird faces pirate. Easy call: Buccaneers

Panthers v. Rams

Our first evenly-matched bout of the tournament. Rams are pretty strong and bang the crap out of things with their heads. They’re also fast and good at climbing. Panthers, on the other hand, have all the attributes one would expect of a big cat: they’re strong, fast, stealthy, smooth, and totally sweet. They’re the ninjas of the animal world if you stop to think about it. On those grounds, I give them the round. Panthers

Bears v. Seahawks

I’m not quite sure what kind of bird a Seahawk is, but I’m pretty sure that there’s not a bird alive that a bear couldn’t handle. Bears

Cowboys v. 49ers

At the end of the day, this boils down to the weapons. The 49ers — miners — have pick axes and what have you. Cowboys, on the other hand, usually have a six-gun, which I’d take over hand-to-hand weapons any day of the week. Cowboys

Lions v. Eagles

Despite an eagle’s inherent eye-clawing prowess, I have to go with the big cat. You just can’t ignore the tale of the tape here. The lion has the eagle in height, weight and reach. Lions

Packers v. Giants

I like the Pack and had family in Wisconsin for the longest time, but that doesn’t change the fact that a giant would crush a normal man regardless of profession. Giants

Vikings v. Saints

Saints are pious and good. Vikings rape and pillage. You can probably guess which one I’d take in a fight. Vikings

NFC Quarter-finals

1. Panthers
2. Bears
3. Cowboys
4. Lions
5. Vikings
6. Giants
7. Buccaneers
8. Redskins

Panthers v. Redskins

I’m pretty sure that this has happened in nature once or twice. Your typical native American will have a good handle on besting animals in combat. Despite its ninja-like majesty, the panther looses. Redskins

Bears v. Buccaneers

You know me, and you know that I love pirates, but there’s no way a cutlass-wielding scalawag could best a bear. Plus, the pirates probably took a draw or two of the grog after the first round, which couldn’t help. Bears

Cowboys v. Giants

Bullets are useless against men of that size. Giants

Lions v. Vikings

Unlike native peoples, vikings have no natural affinity for combat against fauna of any sort. If instead of lions we were talking about villagers or young maidens, vikings all the way, but as things stand: Lions

NFC Semi-finals

1. Bears
2. Lions
3. Giants
4. Redskins

Bears v. Redskins

Once again, the native man’s mastery over beast carries the day. Redskins

Lions v. Giants

The savvy bettor would take the Lions + the points here, but that’s all for naught when the giant steps on the lion’s tail and tears its limbs off one by one. Giants

NFC championship

1. Giants
2. Redskins

Giants v. Redskins

This would be the ultimate battle if the redskin were the American Indian member of the Superfriends who could turn in to a giant. Or if he were and indian who turns in to a wolf. (that’s wolfen, man.) As is, it’s hard to imagine that a group of normal men — in tune with nature or otherwise — would stand a chance against a team two or three times its size. Giants

AFC tournament

1. Baltimore Ravens
2. Buffalo Bills
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns
5. Denver Broncos
6. Houston Texans
7. Indianapolis Colts
8. Jacksonville Jaguars
9. KC Chiefs
10. Miami Dolphins
11. New England Patriots
12. New York Jets
13. Oakland Raiders
14. Pittsburgh Steelers
15. San Diego Chargers
16. Tennessee Titans

Ravens v. Titans

A situation we’ve seen before with a small animal facing a giant humanoid. To top things off, this time they’re immortal! Titans

Bills v. Chargers

Bills is a stupid name. Chargers

Bengals v. Steelers

Steel workers are a hardy breed, but I don’t like their chances against a tiger. Bengals

Browns v. Raiders

Pirates can be drunk, belligerent and mutinous, but even at their worst they could beat a color. Raiders

Broncos v. Jets

Everybody loves horses. It’s a scientific fact. Look it up. That said, it’s hard to establish air-superiority when you can’t fly. Jets

Texans v. Patriots

History answers this one for us. Is Texas still a sovereign nation? Nope. Patriots

Colts v. Dolphins

This is a tricky one. Horses are bigger and stronger, but the fight would have to be in the water where the dolphin would hold a natural edge. Dolphins

Jaguars v. Chiefs

We need to quit pairing animals against indians. It’s just not fair. Chiefs

AFC Quarter-finals

1. Bengals
2. Chiefs
3. Dolphins
4. Patriots
5. Jets
6. Raiders
7. Chargers
8. Titans

Bengals v. Titans

The giant semi-god wipes the floor with the tiger. Titans

Chiefs v. Chargers

Chargers are some sort of lightning bolt, right? Weren’t Native Americans afraid of lightning or something like that back in the day? Chargers

Dolphins v. Raiders

A battle for the sea! Pirates are bigger and stronger than dolphins, but dolphins are so much smarter that I have to imagine that they’d find a way to win. Dolphins

Patriots v. Jets

Patriotism is a wonderful thing, but it doesn’t do you any good when your opponent is flying at 1,000 miles per hour and has all different sorts of guns and missiles pointing at you. Jets

AFC Semi-finals

1. Dolphins
2. Jets
3. Chargers
4. Titans

Dolphins v. Titans

They’re the smartest animals next to man, but as mentioned before, Titans are huge and immortal. So long, and thanks for all the fish! Titans

Jets v. Chargers

I saw a show on the Discovery channel that said that most airplanes can be hit by lightning and not really bat an eye. Which is kind of a letdown this late in the tournament. Jets

AFC championship

1. Jets
2. Titans

Jets v. Titans

Mythology versus military technology. Science versus legend. I’m sure the D&D crowd could come up with a way for the Titans to win, but nobody would hear them down there in their parents’ basement eating pizza and rolling 5d12. Assuming anything in the US Air Force designed and built after the early 1980’s, Jets in a walk. Jets

Superbowl

Giants v. Jets

Not unlike NFL in real life, the championship game is a letdown. The well coached team with good balance between offense and defense already beat a run and gun offensive virtuoso in the conference finals. Why wouldn’t they do the same in the Superbowl?

That said, anything can happen in the Superbowl, and it is an all New York game. Perhaps the Giants come up with some wonderful strategy where they scale The City’s skyscrapers and swat the Jets out of the air like King Kong. It could happen.

Realistically, though, this is as easy a call as any of the Jets’ other contests. There’s just no substitute for technology and air superiority. I’m honestly surprised that they don’t win the Superbowl each and every year.

The Jets are your Superbowl Champions!

More Sports with Woody.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 28th, 2005 at 7:32 am and is filed under Sports with Woody, Weekly Feature. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.