Inspired by Cheers’ “Woody,” we took a brief look at who would be the top dog in the NFL if matches were decided only by team name. I think the results were pretty convincing. How well might the same reasoning be applied to Major League Baseball?

Again, initial seeding was done alphabetically. I also had to give a couple of teams byes in the first round. Instead of figuring out a good way to do this, I just went with the first two teams on the list.

AL tournament

AL Tournament

1. Baltimore Orioles
2. Boston Red Sox
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Cleveland Indians
5. Detroit Tigers
6. KC Royals
7. LA Angels
8. Minnesota Twins
9. New York Yankees
10. Oakland Athletics
11. Seattle Mariners
12. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
13. Texas Rangers
14. Toronto Blue Jays

Oriels v. bye

Oriels

Red Sox v. bye

Red Sox

White Sox v. Blue Jays

Birds aren’t the toughest things in the world, but they beat a pair of socks. Blue Jays

Indians v. Rangers

Rangers typically needed the calvary to bail them out against the nature-wise indians. Unfortunately for them, baseball isn’t a tag-team sport. Indians

Tigers v. Devil Rays

Devil Rays are some sort of fish, right? If it were a dolphin, maybe, but it’s not, so: Tigers

Royals v. Mariners

Ancient or otherwise, men of the sea beat inbred silver spooners at single combat. Mariners

Angels v. Athletics

The Athletics are probably in pretty good shape, but that won’t help them against the supernatural. Angels

Twins v. Yankees

Twins on account of there are two of them.

AL Quarter-finals

Oriels v. Blue Jays

How exciting: the battle of the birds. Blue is my favorite color, so: Blue Jays

Red Sox v. Mariners

Bean-town will hate me for this, but I can’t in good faith suggest that sailors could be beaten at anything by a pair of socks of any color. Mariners

Indians v. Twins

Unlike their northern cousins, I don’t think indians would be fooled by their opponent having a twin. Indians

Tigers v. Angels

I don’t think an angel could bring himself to harm one of nature’s greatest creatures. The Tiger, on the other hand, would have no problem making a snack of an angel, wings, halo and all. Tigers

AL Semi-finals

Indians v. Blue Jays

It’s a miracle that a bird made it this far! Unfortunately, their Cinderella run must come to an end. Indians

Tigers v. Mariners

I actually saw this one on ESPN2 the other day. The Mariners thought they could best the Tigers by tricking them on to the boat and then forcing them overboard. Unfortunately, they forgot that tigers can swim. And have claws. And Teeth. It wasn’t pretty. Tigers

ALCS

Indians v. Tigers

Against any other man, I’d definitely give the edge to the big cat. However, the indians’ respect for and understanding of nature gives them an insurmountable edge over any animal. Indians

NL Tournament

1. Arizona Diamondbacks
2. Atlanta Braves
3. Chicago Cubs
4. Cincinnati Reds
5. Colorado Rockies
6. Florida Marlins
7. Houston Astros
8. LA Dodgers
9. Milwaukee Brewers
10. New York Mets
11. Philadelphia Phillies
12. Pittsburgh Pirates
13. San Diego Padres
14. San Francisco Giants
15. St. Louis Cardinals
16. Washington Nationals

Diamondbacks v. Nationals

I don’t care what kind of allegiance to country you have. If a rattlesnake bits you, you’re in bad shape. Diamondbacks

Braves v. Cardinals

Birds are cute and all, but they can’t top man. Braves

Cubs v. Giants

A full grown bear might stand a chance, but a mere cub wouldn’t last three rounds with a true giant. Giants

Reds v. Padres

I don’t think a communist would be inclined to fight fair against the preacher-man. Reds

Rockies v. Pirates

Mountains are large and majestic. And inanimate. Pirates

Marlins v. Phillies

Horses always beat sport fish. Phillies

Astros v. Mets

“Mets” is short for “Metropolitans,” right? Sounds like they’d pee themselves if they had to face the dog from “The Jetsons.” Astros

Dodgers v. Brewers

One team sounds much more drunk than the other. I can totally see the brewers smashing a bottle on the table and putting it to the Dodgers throat. Brewers

NL Quarter-finals

Diamondbacks v. Pirates

Snakes are dangerous, but not after you cut their head off with a cutlass! Pirates

Braves v. Phillies

This is the indian v. animal story that we’ve already heard like 1,000 times already. Braves

Giants v. Brewers

Drunk, belligerent and armed with a broken bottle is no match for being like 44 feet tall. Giants

Reds v. Astros

I really like the line in the movie “Fletch” when Fat Sam tells Fletch that he has some reds and Fletch responds, saying “do you mean Communists, Sam?” Reds

NL Semi-finals

Braves v. Pirates

Everybody knows that Ninjas always beat pirates. Indians are a lot like ninjas, especially in that they beat pirates in a fight. Braves

Giants v. Reds

Communism never would have taken hold if it had to fight off men with feet the size of Hondas. Giants

NLCS

Braves v. Giants

This would be just like Custer’s Last Stand, except the giants would just up and step on the indians. Giants

World Series

Indians v. Giants

Didn’t we just do this one? I mean, seriously. Sometimes it seems like there are only two or three actual team names. Oh well.

The Giants are your world champions!

More Sports with Woody.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 29th, 2005 at 6:15 am and is filed under Sports with Woody, Weekly Feature. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.