Sports with Woody: Hockey
Hockey is another one of those sports that I really don’t watch all so much. I enjoy it whenever I do watch it, but it just seems like it’s always so cold when they play — what with the ice and &C — and there are all the dudes in masks running around with sticks beating the hell out of each-other. Plus I have a hard time following the puck. Still, it’s a fast-moving sport, and it doesn’t have tons of insufferable breaks, so it gets a pass in my book.
I think I set the Stanley Cup teams from the last time the NHL got their act together to have a season up for byes in the first round. Sorry if I’ve messed something up here.
Eastern Conference Tournament
- Tampa Bay Lightning
- Atlanta Thrashers
- Boston Bruins
- Buffalo Sabres
- Carolina Hurricanes
- Florida Panthers
- Montreal Canadiens
- New Jersey Devils
- New York Islanders
- New Your Rangers
- Ottawa Senators
- Philadelphia Flyers
- Pittsburgh Penguins
- Toronto Maple Leafs
- Washington Capitals
Lightning v. bye
Lightning + big sheets of ice don’t mix, kids. Who picked this name? bye
Thrashers v. Capitals
Those “skateboarding is not a crime” t-shirts never convinced anybody of anything. Capitals
Bruins v. Maple Leafs
Even UCLA students could beat a leaf. Bruins
Sabres v. Penguins
There’s way to much SLICING involved here for a flightless bird to manage. Sabres
Hurricanes v. Flyers
Don’t fly in hurricanes, kids. Hurricanes
Panthers v. Senators
I would love to see a bunch of panthers go at a room full of senators. Panthers (note: I really wanted to fix the pairings such that the Senators would go up against the Hurricanes, because we know how that played out last time.)
Canadiens v. Rangers
There’s a TV show called (I think) “Troops: Real Stories of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.” It’s like cops but with snow and Molsen Golden and shit. Rangers
Devils v. Islanders
Tasmanian or otherwise, they’ll crush a people who spend all their time surfing and playing steel drums. Devils
Eastern Conference Quarter-finals
Bruins v. bye
A free round. Bruins
Sabres v. Capitals
I grew up thinking that because the capitol building is tall, you spell it with an “a.” Turns out to be the other way around. I’ve always hated that word. Sabres
Hurricanes v. Rangers
If a hurricane can destroy a city, a band of rangers don’t stand a chance. P.S.: George Bush doesn’t care about black people. Hurricanes
Panthers v. Devils
Have you ever seen a panther play hockey with a pitchfork sticking through it? No, you haven’t. Devils
Eastern Conference Semi-finals
Bruins v. Devils
A bear, on the other hand, could totally throw down with or without a protruding pitchfork. Bruins
Sabres v. Hurricanes
I heard that sometimes after a hurricane you can find sabres stuck all the way through trees. Hurricanes
Eastern Conference Championship
Bruins v. Hurricanes
Bears are tough and all, but they’re not that tough. Hurricanes
Western Conference Tournament
- Calgary Flames
- Anaheim Mighty Ducks
- Chicago Blackhawks
- Colorado Avalanche
- Columbus Blue Jackets
- Dallas Stars
- Detroit Red Wings
- Edmonton Oilers
- Los Angeles Kings
- Minnesota Wild
- Nashville Predators
- Phoenix Coyotes
- San Jose Sharks
- St. Louis Blues
- Vancouver Canucks
Flames v. bye
Only one free round here. Whoo! Flames
Mighty Ducks v. Canucks
The Canucks are all “take off, a!” And the ducks are like “quack.” What sort of a name is “Mighty Ducks,” anyway? That inspires neither fear nor awe. Canucks
Blackhawks v. Blues
I love the blues. Truly I do. Don’t blackhawks helicopters have some sort of big freakin’ gun on them that can shoot through tanks? I’ll take that one. Blackhawks
Avalanche v. Sharks
You know, against any other animal I’d take the Avs, but against a shark it’d have to be one of those glacier avalanches that you see on the adverts for Alaskan cruises, and I’d bet a shark could just swim away from that and then where would the avalanche be? Under water, that’s where. Sharks
Blue Jackets v. Coyotes
If it was a green jacket from the PGA tour’s Masters tournament, that’d be a win because those groundskeepers keep the coyotes out on the real. Blue, though: what’s that all about? Coyotes
Stars v. Predators
I saw the movie “Predator.” Those guys were pretty bad-ass. Predators
Red Wings v. Wild
I arbitrarily choose the Red Wings here. Sorry. Red Wings
Oilers v. Kings
The kings in the middle east are doing so well against the oil interests. Mmm hmm. Oilers
Western Conference Quarter-finals
Flames v. Canucks
It’s really cold in Canada. I bet they couldn’t stand any sort of intense heat. Flames
Blackhawks v. Sharks
I’ll bet that cannon could shoot all the way under water. Blackhawks
Red Wings v. Coyotes
You know, I chickened out on the Red Wings last time because I didn’t know what they are, and “Wild” is an abstract concept. This time, though, there’s a wild dog, and that’s pretty real, and has fangs. Coyotes
Oilers v. Predators
Another match I’d love to see. Especially when they go all translucent and shoot lasers or whatever they were. Predators
Western Conference Semi-finals
Flames v. Coyotes
Dogs pee on fire! Coyotes
Blackhawks v. Predators
The movie would have been over way too soon if Arnie had one of these helicopters at his disposal. Blackhawks
Western Conference Championship
Blackhawks v. Coyotes
You know, PETA would be up in freakin’ arms if we chased down coyotes with an armed helicopter. We should totally do that this weekend. Blackhawks
Lord Stanley’s Cup
Hurricanes v. Blackhawks
Let’s pretend I did a little research here:
Me: Um, hi, is this, like, the army? The Army: Yes it is, sir. Me: Those Blackhawks: helicopters, right? The Army: Yes they are, sir. Me: Do you fly them in hurricanes? The Army: No sir, we do not.
There you go. Conclusive proof.
The Hurricanes Are Your Stanley Cup Winners!