All right, it’s Friday. Finally. This will teach me to steal ideas from sitcoms.

I’d feel bad if I didn’t give the NBA a go. It’s the only sport I really follow. Perhaps I can have something more useful to say about the mascots this time around.

Per usual, teams ordered alphabetically (although this time by team name rather than by city name). The Spurs and Pistons got the byes on account of winning their conference tournaments last year.

Western Conference Tournament

1. Spurs
2. Blazers
3. Clippers
4. Grizzlies
5. Hornets
6. Jazz
7. Kings
8. Lakers
9. Mavericks
10. Nuggets
11. Rockets
12. Sonics
13. Suns
14. Timberwolves
15. Warriors

Spurs v. bye

It’s funny, because for such a good team, San Antonio sure does have a silly team name. Spurs

Blazers v. Warriors

Do you think the Blazers have ever played basketball on weed? Warriors

Clippers v. Timberwolves

Timberwolves are mean and hunt in packs and do well in the cold, but clippers are freaking ships. Ships beat dogs. Clippers

Grizzlies v. Suns

If it was just “sun” rather than “suns,” they would definitely beat a bear. The plural makes them sound more like far-away stars, and who’s afraid of that? Grizzlies

Hornets v. Sonics

The Sonics will go much less fast when they’ve got a huge stinger stuck in them. Hornets

Jazz v. Rockets

A few years ago I was planning one time on watching a space shuttle launch on TV. I got distracted listening to the radio and missed it. Jazz

Kings v. Nuggets

“Nugget” magazine isn’t sold in the front of most news stands. FYI. Kings

Lakers v. Mavericks

Tom Cruise played the “Maverick” character in the 80’s film “Top Gun.” I think that’s all you need to know. Lakers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Spurs v. Warriors

Professional soldiers vs. footwear accessories. Hmm…. Warriors

Clippers v. Kings

Kings can buy and sell boats. Kings

Grizzlies v. Lakers

Bears have always been comfortable in water. Grizzlies

Hornets v. Jazz

Hornets are so small. I’m pretty sure that if I were listening to a jazz show and there was a hornet around, I’d just crush it under my cocktail napkin. Jazz

Western Conference Semi-finals

Grizzlies v. Warriors

Bears are bad ass. True story. Grizzlies

Jazz v. Kings

Unfortunately, censorship in the arts is alive and well in most monarchies. Kings

Western Conference Finals

Grizzlies v. Kings

Grizzlies are the kind of bears that eat people for sport. Keep that in mind. Grizzlies

Eastern Conference Tournament

1. Pistons
2. 76ers
3. Bobcats
4. Bucks
5. Bulls
6. Cavaliers
7. Celtics
8. Hawks
9. Heat
10. Magic
11. Nets
12. Nicks
13. Pacers
14. Raptors
15. Wizards

Pistons v. bye

Detroit is lucky there was a bye here, as pistons are car parts. Pistons

76ers v. Wizards

I’ve read the Harry Potter books, so I know what wizards are all about. Wizards

Bobcats v. Raptors

This would be a great match-up, because I don’t think nature has ever seen it before (because dinosaurs are extinct). Raptors

Bucks v. Pacers

Bucks have antlers; horses do not. Bucks

Bulls v. Nicks

By rule, any animal beats a cut you get while shaving. Bulls

Cavaliers v. Nets

Even supporters of Charles I in the English Civil War could be part of the equipment in the game. Cavaliers

Celtics v. Magic

Drunk and Irish, the Celtics would be scrappy, but that won’t do them any good when they’ve been turned in to a giant green frog with a digestive disorder. Magic

Hawks v. Heat

Hawks can see mice in a field from like a mile up, which is braggable. Hawks

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Piston v. Wizards

Remember the part about pistons being part of an car engine? That engine wouldn’t work too well when a wizard shoots some sort of LIGHTNING BOLT at it. Wizards

Bucks v. Raptors

These guys were so rad in Jurassic Park. I’d bet they could beat an elk or whatever. Raptors

Bulls v. Magic

Magic would allow for the Bugs Bunny tricks where the bull charges and when you pull the red cape away all of the sudden there’s an anvil there. Magic

Cavaliers v. Hawks

Cavaliers have horses and lances and shit. That beats a bird. Cavaliers

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Cavaliers v. Wizards

The way I see this going down is the cavalier getting a lance or whatever and charging and then oh who am I kidding this is a dumb story the wizard wins kids. Wizards

Magic v. Raptors

In the movie, the raptors were eventually beaten by a scientist. As magic beats science every time, you know who wins here. Magic

Eastern Conference Finals

Magic v. Wizards

The abstract concept is bested by the concrete example. Wizards

NBA Finals

Wizards v. Grizzlies

If the bear could get in close, it’s an easy win. Wizards can fly and shoot lightning and stuff, so they could probably avoid the bear.

The Wizards are your NBA Champions!

Well, that was… fun. Hope you enjoyed this week.

More Sports with Woody.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 2nd, 2005 at 6:14 am and is filed under Sports with Woody, Weekly Feature. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.