My favorite people at holiday parties are the great big killjoys. Half of the time they don’t want to be there, and the other half they want to leave. They’re wonderful people and they always brighten up the party. These misfits of the holiday party world often go under-appreciated. Learn to appreciate them and your holiday cocktail party experience will improve.

The Awkward Spouse

You’ll usually find the awkward spouse at corporate holiday events. They were dragged there by their significant other and they’d rather be anywhere else. Their interest in glad-handing the boss is minimal, and they could honestly care less what Trixie from HR did with those ten-twelve stroke four forms. Their only respite is the bar, and that’s where you’ll find them, drinking heavily.

What to talk to them about

Not the office. Mother of god, please, no, no the office. Art? Politics? Religion? Sure! Go to town! Want some dirt on their S.O.? They’ve probably had enough by now to tell you anything you’d like to hear.

What to drink with them

Their goal at the party is to get drunk and escape. Your goal should be to get them drunk and keep them there for comedic purposes. Try switching back and forth between beer and martinis, or something sweet and deceptive that one typically thinks they can drink a lot more of than they really can. White Russians come to mind here. At the end of the day, though, it doesn’t really matter. They’re desperate for a drink, so order whatever you want and they’ll usually go along with it.

The Man With No Holiday Spirit

“Happy Holidays, Frank!”

“Go to hell!”

Ever had this exchange at a holiday party? Why is Frank even there? Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what crawled up Frank’s ass and died. To aid you in this task: alcohol. Report back tomorrow morning at last call and report your findings.

What to talk to them about

Start out slow, avoiding the topic of the holidays entirely. You need to gain their trust first. After three or four rounds work your way in to minor summer holidays. Labor day or whatever. Order one or two more stiff ones and venture Thanksgiving. If you make it there, you’re set. Delve in to Christmas and similar over shots.

What to drink with them

Shots. Drink them to the immediate and fiery demise of the holiday season. Just be sure that you can keep up, least you end up on the losing end of the cocktail party truth-serum game of chicken.