obfuscated.org

All right, it’s Friday. Finally. This will teach me to steal ideas from sitcoms.

I’d feel bad if I didn’t give the NBA a go. It’s the only sport I really follow. Perhaps I can have something more useful to say about the mascots this time around.

Per usual, teams ordered alphabetically (although this time by team name rather than by city name). The Spurs and Pistons got the byes on account of winning their conference tournaments last year.

Western Conference Tournament

1. Spurs
2. Blazers
3. Clippers
4. Grizzlies
5. Hornets
6. Jazz
7. Kings
8. Lakers
9. Mavericks
10. Nuggets
11. Rockets
12. Sonics
13. Suns
14. Timberwolves
15. Warriors

Spurs v. bye

It’s funny, because for such a good team, San Antonio sure does have a silly team name. Spurs

Blazers v. Warriors

Do you think the Blazers have ever played basketball on weed? Warriors

Clippers v. Timberwolves

Timberwolves are mean and hunt in packs and do well in the cold, but clippers are freaking ships. Ships beat dogs. Clippers

Grizzlies v. Suns

If it was just “sun” rather than “suns,” they would definitely beat a bear. The plural makes them sound more like far-away stars, and who’s afraid of that? Grizzlies

Hornets v. Sonics

The Sonics will go much less fast when they’ve got a huge stinger stuck in them. Hornets

Jazz v. Rockets

A few years ago I was planning one time on watching a space shuttle launch on TV. I got distracted listening to the radio and missed it. Jazz

Kings v. Nuggets

“Nugget” magazine isn’t sold in the front of most news stands. FYI. Kings

Lakers v. Mavericks

Tom Cruise played the “Maverick” character in the 80’s film “Top Gun.” I think that’s all you need to know. Lakers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Spurs v. Warriors

Professional soldiers vs. footwear accessories. Hmm…. Warriors

Clippers v. Kings

Kings can buy and sell boats. Kings

Grizzlies v. Lakers

Bears have always been comfortable in water. Grizzlies

Hornets v. Jazz

Hornets are so small. I’m pretty sure that if I were listening to a jazz show and there was a hornet around, I’d just crush it under my cocktail napkin. Jazz

Western Conference Semi-finals

Grizzlies v. Warriors

Bears are bad ass. True story. Grizzlies

Jazz v. Kings

Unfortunately, censorship in the arts is alive and well in most monarchies. Kings

Western Conference Finals

Grizzlies v. Kings

Grizzlies are the kind of bears that eat people for sport. Keep that in mind. Grizzlies

Eastern Conference Tournament

1. Pistons
2. 76ers
3. Bobcats
4. Bucks
5. Bulls
6. Cavaliers
7. Celtics
8. Hawks
9. Heat
10. Magic
11. Nets
12. Nicks
13. Pacers
14. Raptors
15. Wizards

Pistons v. bye

Detroit is lucky there was a bye here, as pistons are car parts. Pistons

76ers v. Wizards

I’ve read the Harry Potter books, so I know what wizards are all about. Wizards

Bobcats v. Raptors

This would be a great match-up, because I don’t think nature has ever seen it before (because dinosaurs are extinct). Raptors

Bucks v. Pacers

Bucks have antlers; horses do not. Bucks

Bulls v. Nicks

By rule, any animal beats a cut you get while shaving. Bulls

Cavaliers v. Nets

Even supporters of Charles I in the English Civil War could be part of the equipment in the game. Cavaliers

Celtics v. Magic

Drunk and Irish, the Celtics would be scrappy, but that won’t do them any good when they’ve been turned in to a giant green frog with a digestive disorder. Magic

Hawks v. Heat

Hawks can see mice in a field from like a mile up, which is braggable. Hawks

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Piston v. Wizards

Remember the part about pistons being part of an car engine? That engine wouldn’t work too well when a wizard shoots some sort of LIGHTNING BOLT at it. Wizards

Bucks v. Raptors

These guys were so rad in Jurassic Park. I’d bet they could beat an elk or whatever. Raptors

Bulls v. Magic

Magic would allow for the Bugs Bunny tricks where the bull charges and when you pull the red cape away all of the sudden there’s an anvil there. Magic

Cavaliers v. Hawks

Cavaliers have horses and lances and shit. That beats a bird. Cavaliers

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Cavaliers v. Wizards

The way I see this going down is the cavalier getting a lance or whatever and charging and then oh who am I kidding this is a dumb story the wizard wins kids. Wizards

Magic v. Raptors

In the movie, the raptors were eventually beaten by a scientist. As magic beats science every time, you know who wins here. Magic

Eastern Conference Finals

Magic v. Wizards

The abstract concept is bested by the concrete example. Wizards

NBA Finals

Wizards v. Grizzlies

If the bear could get in close, it’s an easy win. Wizards can fly and shoot lightning and stuff, so they could probably avoid the bear.

The Wizards are your NBA Champions!

Well, that was… fun. Hope you enjoyed this week.

More Sports with Woody.

A brief memo to any coffee house still playing the “Garden State” soundtrack on loop: Quit it. Please. You and your kind have been playing that album for over a year now. Yes, Yahoo/Burbank coffee house, I’m talking to you.

Thing is, it isn’t a bad album. I own a copy of it, and I enjoy listening to it from time to time, but whenever I hear it in a coffee house it makes me want to break people’s arms.

So get some new music. How about The Stones? Everybody likes The Stones. Play some Joan Baez if you want to stink of coffee house. I don’t really care, just so long as you give Garden State a rest. (And don’t you dare put Bob Marley’s “Legend” on, because I know that’s what you’re thinking….)

Hockey is another one of those sports that I really don’t watch all so much. I enjoy it whenever I do watch it, but it just seems like it’s always so cold when they play — what with the ice and &C — and there are all the dudes in masks running around with sticks beating the hell out of each-other. Plus I have a hard time following the puck. Still, it’s a fast-moving sport, and it doesn’t have tons of insufferable breaks, so it gets a pass in my book.

I think I set the Stanley Cup teams from the last time the NHL got their act together to have a season up for byes in the first round. Sorry if I’ve messed something up here.

Eastern Conference Tournament

1. Tampa Bay Lightning
2. Atlanta Thrashers
3. Boston Bruins
4. Buffalo Sabres
5. Carolina Hurricanes
6. Florida Panthers
7. Montreal Canadiens
8. New Jersey Devils
9. New York Islanders
10. New Your Rangers
11. Ottawa Senators
12. Philadelphia Flyers
13. Pittsburgh Penguins
14. Toronto Maple Leafs
15. Washington Capitals

Lightning v. bye

Lightning + big sheets of ice don’t mix, kids. Who picked this name? bye

Thrashers v. Capitals

Those “skateboarding is not a crime” t-shirts never convinced anybody of anything. Capitals

Bruins v. Maple Leafs

Even UCLA students could beat a leaf. Bruins

Sabres v. Penguins

There’s way to much SLICING involved here for a flightless bird to manage. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Flyers

Don’t fly in hurricanes, kids. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Senators

I would love to see a bunch of panthers go at a room full of senators. Panthers (note: I really wanted to fix the pairings such that the Senators would go up against the Hurricanes, because we know how that played out last time.)

Canadiens v. Rangers

There’s a TV show called (I think) “Troops: Real Stories of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.” It’s like cops but with snow and Molsen Golden and shit. Rangers

Devils v. Islanders

Tasmanian or otherwise, they’ll crush a people who spend all their time surfing and playing steel drums. Devils

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Bruins v. bye

A free round. Bruins

Sabres v. Capitals

I grew up thinking that because the capitol building is tall, you spell it with an “a.” Turns out to be the other way around. I’ve always hated that word. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Rangers

If a hurricane can destroy a city, a band of rangers don’t stand a chance. P.S.: George Bush doesn’t care about black people. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Devils

Have you ever seen a panther play hockey with a pitchfork sticking through it? No, you haven’t. Devils

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Bruins v. Devils

A bear, on the other hand, could totally throw down with or without a protruding pitchfork. Bruins

Sabres v. Hurricanes

I heard that sometimes after a hurricane you can find sabres stuck all the way through trees. Hurricanes

Eastern Conference Championship

Bruins v. Hurricanes

Bears are tough and all, but they’re not that tough. Hurricanes

Western Conference Tournament

1. Calgary Flames
2. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
3. Chicago Blackhawks
4. Colorado Avalanche
5. Columbus Blue Jackets
6. Dallas Stars
7. Detroit Red Wings
8. Edmonton Oilers
9. Los Angeles Kings
10. Minnesota Wild
11. Nashville Predators
12. Phoenix Coyotes
13. San Jose Sharks
14. St. Louis Blues
15. Vancouver Canucks

Flames v. bye

Only one free round here. Whoo! Flames

Mighty Ducks v. Canucks

The Canucks are all “take off, a!” And the ducks are like “quack.” What sort of a name is “Mighty Ducks,” anyway? That inspires neither fear nor awe. Canucks

Blackhawks v. Blues

I love the blues. Truly I do. Don’t blackhawks helicopters have some sort of big freakin’ gun on them that can shoot through tanks? I’ll take that one. Blackhawks

Avalanche v. Sharks

You know, against any other animal I’d take the Avs, but against a shark it’d have to be one of those glacier avalanches that you see on the adverts for Alaskan cruises, and I’d bet a shark could just swim away from that and then where would the avalanche be? Under water, that’s where. Sharks

Blue Jackets v. Coyotes

If it was a green jacket from the PGA tour’s Masters tournament, that’d be a win because those groundskeepers keep the coyotes out on the real. Blue, though: what’s that all about? Coyotes

Stars v. Predators

I saw the movie “Predator.” Those guys were pretty bad-ass. Predators

Red Wings v. Wild

I arbitrarily choose the Red Wings here. Sorry. Red Wings

Oilers v. Kings

The kings in the middle east are doing so well against the oil interests. Mmm hmm. Oilers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Flames v. Canucks

It’s really cold in Canada. I bet they couldn’t stand any sort of intense heat. Flames

Blackhawks v. Sharks

I’ll bet that cannon could shoot all the way under water. Blackhawks

Red Wings v. Coyotes

You know, I chickened out on the Red Wings last time because I didn’t know what they are, and “Wild” is an abstract concept. This time, though, there’s a wild dog, and that’s pretty real, and has fangs. Coyotes

Oilers v. Predators

Another match I’d love to see. Especially when they go all translucent and shoot lasers or whatever they were. Predators

Western Conference Semi-finals

Flames v. Coyotes

Dogs pee on fire! Coyotes

Blackhawks v. Predators

The movie would have been over way too soon if Arnie had one of these helicopters at his disposal. Blackhawks

Western Conference Championship

Blackhawks v. Coyotes

You know, PETA would be up in freakin’ arms if we chased down coyotes with an armed helicopter. We should totally do that this weekend. Blackhawks

Lord Stanley’s Cup

Hurricanes v. Blackhawks

Let’s pretend I did a little research here:

Me: Um, hi, is this, like, the army? The Army: Yes it is, sir. Me: Those Blackhawks: helicopters, right? The Army: Yes they are, sir. Me: Do you fly them in hurricanes? The Army: No sir, we do not.

There you go. Conclusive proof.

The Hurricanes Are Your Stanley Cup Winners!