Sports with Woody: Hockey

Hockey is another one of those sports that I really don’t watch all so much. I enjoy it whenever I do watch it, but it just seems like it’s always so cold when they play — what with the ice and &C — and there are all the dudes in masks running around with sticks beating the hell out of each-other. Plus I have a hard time following the puck. Still, it’s a fast-moving sport, and it doesn’t have tons of insufferable breaks, so it gets a pass in my book.

I think I set the Stanley Cup teams from the last time the NHL got their act together to have a season up for byes in the first round. Sorry if I’ve messed something up here.

Eastern Conference Tournament

  1. Tampa Bay Lightning
  2. Atlanta Thrashers
  3. Boston Bruins
  4. Buffalo Sabres
  5. Carolina Hurricanes
  6. Florida Panthers
  7. Montreal Canadiens
  8. New Jersey Devils
  9. New York Islanders
  10. New Your Rangers
  11. Ottawa Senators
  12. Philadelphia Flyers
  13. Pittsburgh Penguins
  14. Toronto Maple Leafs
  15. Washington Capitals

Lightning v. bye

Lightning + big sheets of ice don’t mix, kids. Who picked this name? bye

Thrashers v. Capitals

Those “skateboarding is not a crime” t-shirts never convinced anybody of anything. Capitals

Bruins v. Maple Leafs

Even UCLA students could beat a leaf. Bruins

Sabres v. Penguins

There’s way to much SLICING involved here for a flightless bird to manage. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Flyers

Don’t fly in hurricanes, kids. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Senators

I would love to see a bunch of panthers go at a room full of senators. Panthers (note: I really wanted to fix the pairings such that the Senators would go up against the Hurricanes, because we know how that played out last time.)

Canadiens v. Rangers

There’s a TV show called (I think) “Troops: Real Stories of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.” It’s like cops but with snow and Molsen Golden and shit. Rangers

Devils v. Islanders

Tasmanian or otherwise, they’ll crush a people who spend all their time surfing and playing steel drums. Devils

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Bruins v. bye

A free round. Bruins

Sabres v. Capitals

I grew up thinking that because the capitol building is tall, you spell it with an “a.” Turns out to be the other way around. I’ve always hated that word. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Rangers

If a hurricane can destroy a city, a band of rangers don’t stand a chance. P.S.: George Bush doesn’t care about black people. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Devils

Have you ever seen a panther play hockey with a pitchfork sticking through it? No, you haven’t. Devils

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Bruins v. Devils

A bear, on the other hand, could totally throw down with or without a protruding pitchfork. Bruins

Sabres v. Hurricanes

I heard that sometimes after a hurricane you can find sabres stuck all the way through trees. Hurricanes

Eastern Conference Championship

Bruins v. Hurricanes

Bears are tough and all, but they’re not that tough. Hurricanes

Western Conference Tournament

  1. Calgary Flames
  2. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
  3. Chicago Blackhawks
  4. Colorado Avalanche
  5. Columbus Blue Jackets
  6. Dallas Stars
  7. Detroit Red Wings
  8. Edmonton Oilers
  9. Los Angeles Kings
  10. Minnesota Wild
  11. Nashville Predators
  12. Phoenix Coyotes
  13. San Jose Sharks
  14. St. Louis Blues
  15. Vancouver Canucks

Flames v. bye

Only one free round here. Whoo! Flames

Mighty Ducks v. Canucks

The Canucks are all “take off, a!” And the ducks are like “quack.” What sort of a name is “Mighty Ducks,” anyway? That inspires neither fear nor awe. Canucks

Blackhawks v. Blues

I love the blues. Truly I do. Don’t blackhawks helicopters have some sort of big freakin’ gun on them that can shoot through tanks? I’ll take that one. Blackhawks

Avalanche v. Sharks

You know, against any other animal I’d take the Avs, but against a shark it’d have to be one of those glacier avalanches that you see on the adverts for Alaskan cruises, and I’d bet a shark could just swim away from that and then where would the avalanche be? Under water, that’s where. Sharks

Blue Jackets v. Coyotes

If it was a green jacket from the PGA tour’s Masters tournament, that’d be a win because those groundskeepers keep the coyotes out on the real. Blue, though: what’s that all about? Coyotes

Stars v. Predators

I saw the movie “Predator.” Those guys were pretty bad-ass. Predators

Red Wings v. Wild

I arbitrarily choose the Red Wings here. Sorry. Red Wings

Oilers v. Kings

The kings in the middle east are doing so well against the oil interests. Mmm hmm. Oilers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Flames v. Canucks

It’s really cold in Canada. I bet they couldn’t stand any sort of intense heat. Flames

Blackhawks v. Sharks

I’ll bet that cannon could shoot all the way under water. Blackhawks

Red Wings v. Coyotes

You know, I chickened out on the Red Wings last time because I didn’t know what they are, and “Wild” is an abstract concept. This time, though, there’s a wild dog, and that’s pretty real, and has fangs. Coyotes

Oilers v. Predators

Another match I’d love to see. Especially when they go all translucent and shoot lasers or whatever they were. Predators

Western Conference Semi-finals

Flames v. Coyotes

Dogs pee on fire! Coyotes

Blackhawks v. Predators

The movie would have been over way too soon if Arnie had one of these helicopters at his disposal. Blackhawks

Western Conference Championship

Blackhawks v. Coyotes

You know, PETA would be up in freakin’ arms if we chased down coyotes with an armed helicopter. We should totally do that this weekend. Blackhawks

Lord Stanley’s Cup

Hurricanes v. Blackhawks

Let’s pretend I did a little research here:

Me: Um, hi, is this, like, the army? The Army: Yes it is, sir. Me: Those Blackhawks: helicopters, right? The Army: Yes they are, sir. Me: Do you fly them in hurricanes? The Army: No sir, we do not.

There you go. Conclusive proof.

The Hurricanes Are Your Stanley Cup Winners!

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