The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is available tomorrow in stores.

Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts — dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)

Stick that in your school board and smoke it!