obfuscated.org

Dear Project Euler,

Damn you. Give me my free time back.

XOXO,

Corey

Sirs and Madams,

Thank you for releasing your CLARAty software to the public. That is a wonderful move that we can all appreciate. However, I have one comment regarding your installation procedures: Csh? Really?

Good Day.

Dear software developers everywhere,

If your code is in a version control system, you can go ahead and delete those old bits of code that you would comment out otherwise. I’m talking about things like this:

// BUFFER_SIZE = 1024;
// BUFFER_SIZE = 2048;
// BUFFER_SIZE = 4096;
BUFFER_SIZE = 8192;

That’s what version control is for.

Good day.

Dear Los Angeles Clippers,

Please stop calling me. I don’t want season tickets. Yes, I know that I went to several games last year, and yes, I agree that it would be exciting to attend a four, eight, or 12-pack of games this year. However, I just don’t have the time.

You’ve probably called me half a dozen times since the Clippers went to the playoffs last season. They were exciting times for everybody, but even that excitment shouldn’t prevent you from getting the hint that no, I’m really not going to buy season tickets on the fifth call if I turned you down on the first, second, third and fourth calls. Please take a hint.

Yours truly,

Corey

P.S.: LA Phil, this goes double for you.

Dear Capital One,

Thank you for giving my shredder such a wonderful workout. I have now idea how I would quite so regularly verify that it’s still working if I didn’t get your asinine offers for credit cards four or five times a week.

I don’t know if it’s the 0% success rate you’ve had with me over the years or just a deep seated loathing for the environment and local mail carriers everywhere, but whatever it is that keeps you going must be amazing stuff. If you could bottle that, perhaps you could just sell that instead of trying to get our nation deeper than it already is in to silly consumer debt.

In closing, I’d like you to know that I do and always will hold you in the highest regard. Except in this case, by “highest regard” I actually mean “the exact same regard in which I hold AOL and their CD’s.” And I can’t freaking stand those AOL CD’s.

Spitefully yours,

Corey

Dear Official Voter Information Guide for the Special Statewide Election of 2005,

Oh man oh man oh man, I am so glad that you’re here. It is totally time to party. I’ve been hearing from everybody for days that you’re the BOMB — a TORNADO of voter excitement. I am ready to rock, 2005 Special Statewide Election Voter Information Guide.

I think it’s so great that our governor sent us all a seventy-seven page guide to getting down. Redistricting, making sure teachers don’t get tenured, knee-jerk re-regulation of electric services — Has there ever been a more booty-shaking set of issues?

Hopefully I’m going to get to go to one of the voter guide parties before November 8th. I hear that you have to drink every time somebody is unsure about exactly who a proposition would benefit. I’ll be sure to bring my extra liver!

Well, thanks again for showing up. You are a party machine!

Rock on!

cp

OK, it’s actually a really good album. You can download it here. I’ll be out by Amoeba tomorrow night. I do believe I’ll have to pick a copy up.

Dear band that I’ve never really heard of before,

Hey, whatup Harvey Danger? Would you believe that I’ve never heard of you before today? It’s true! I tend to not pay a lot of attention to music that was recorded within the last five or ten years, which I guess means that I’m not “hep” or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days. Anyway, you were a complete unknown to me until today.

Man, you crazy indy rocker kids and your wacky ideas about marketing. I read somewhere on the internet today (perhaps on Waxy?) that you were releasing mp3’s of your latest album for free as some sort of promotional stunt. Something about getting new listeners, exposing more people to your music at basically no cost to yourself. That’s a wild idea! I was pretty sure it wouldn’t work, though. After all, how can a band be successful without a major label spending lots of money on them to push their music out through radio-payola land? Your stunt just can’t work.

Since it was free, however, I fired up bittorrent and pulled down a copy of your album. I’m putting it on to my iPod right now and I think I’m going to go and listen to it as soon as it’s done transferring. From the song I heard while I was writing this, I’d say that it could be a pretty good album. Heck, if the rest of the album is this good I just might go out and buy the CD (I like having the physical artifact — go figure). But your “give the music away to build a larger fan base” strategy still can’t work — it’s just not the way things are done. Even if I do go out and buy your CD….

Sincerely,

cp

Dear Right Now,

Have you ever had one of those days when it’s been forever and a day since you’ve written a proper letter but it’s late and you just got done watching your team lose on Monday Night Football which means that you have to buy wine for dinner and you’re tired and you should really go to sleep because you have to wake up in six hours or so but you don’t want to because you really feel like you should bang some sort of letter out? Yeah, me too.

Yours,

cp

Dear All Radio Stations who Publish their Playlists On the Magic Internet Machine,

Thank you! I know I’m not the first to hold this opinion, but I just wanted to say that the fact that I can find out what you are playing at any time without calling in and sounding like a complete tool is the greatest thing since sliced bread. You are all so rad for doing this.

For instance, right now I’m outside listening to Bobby Hutcherson’s “Components” off the album of the same name. I had no idea what it was, and all it took was me firing up a browser and checking KKJZ’s playlist to find out. How neat is that? Pretty darn neat, that’s for certain.

Now, I know that if I truly loved music, I’d just know what everything was. These fancy-pants internet playlists would be of no value, because I’d be able to tell who was playing what, when it was recorded and who was in the audience without waiting for the DJ to tell me about it. How cool would I be then? Maybe if I were really cool I could go to parties and drone on about how So and So’s 1959 recordings are so much better than their 1961 recordings. Hoo boy, that’d be cooler than I can comprehend.

Needless to say, I am not that particular variety of cool, and I in fact greatly appreciate all of you find radio stations that let me find out in my own little digital way what is playing. You provide a fine service, and we all as listeners are better off because of it.

Sincerely,

Corey Porter