Have you ever been a couple days in with a few days still to go on something that turned out to not be quite as funny as you thought it would be? Yeah, me too. Maybe it’s because I’ve done the two boring sports — baseball and American football — that I don’t really like. It seems like both previous tournaments came out the same way: at the end of the day, it was either indians or giants winning the day.
Well, I’ve got a sure-fire cure for this minor literary malaise: The WNBA! They have all sorts of nuts names that the NFL would never even consider. Plus they don’t have that many teams, so I can get through this one relatively quickly. Here goes!
WNBA Tournament
- Charlotte Sting
- Connecticut Sun
- Detroit Shock
- Houston Comets
- Indiana Fever
- Los Angeles Sparks
- Minnesota Lynx
- New York Liberty
- Phoenix Mercury
- Sacramento Monarchs
- San Antonio Silver Stars
- Seattle Storm
- Washington Mystics
Sting v. bye
A slow start, but we’ll make it through this. Sting
Sun v. bye
OK, so we have to do two of these. No big. Sun
Shock v. bye
Who puts 13 teams in a league?! Geez! Shock
Comets v. Mystics
All right! This is some action! I’m all the way for anything even vaguely magical winning, but I’m pretty sure that if a comet ran in to a wizard or what have you, it’d be game over. Comets
Fever v. Storm
A storm is immune to any sort of health-related ailment. Storm
Sparks v. Silver Stars
What temperature does silver melt at? I’ve got to think that it’s a lot higher than what you’d get off any sort of sparks. Silver Stars
Lynx v. Monarchs
Lynx are small and stealthy enough to steak past any sort of palace guard, and they’ve got CLAWS AND TEETH to rip in to some monarch flesh! Lynx
Mercury v. Liberty
Liberty is a wonderful thing. It’s part of what our country is based on. Mercury, on the other hand, has those rad shoes with wings on them. You can’t top rad shoes. Mercury
WNBA Quarter-finals
Sting v. Storm
I don’t care if you’ve got a whole swarm of hornets or a big fist full or scorpions. There’s nothing with a stinger that a little lightning and hail can’t take care of. Storm
Sun v. Silver Stars
Sparks wouldn’t do it, but I bet you the sun could melt the hell out of all the silver in the world. Sun
Shock v. Mercury
Speedy as he is, Mercury would be out like a light if you ran a current through him. Shock
Comets v. Lynx
Stealthy cats with claws and what have you don’t do so well when giant balls of ice and rock and metal from space run in to them. Comets
WNBA Semi-finals
Sun v. Storm
I’ve been watching for months now and I’ve not seen a storm permanently block out the sun. Sun
Shock v. Comets
Science has yet to study the effect of electricity on comets, but we know exactly what would happen if you ran a comet in to some sort of generator or power plant or battery or something like that. Comets
WNBA Finals
Sun v. Comets
The comet has had some impressive wins so far. It’s got an impact that’s hard to ignore, what with its traveling through space at zillions of miles an hour and being made of heavy, hard stuff. Those are impressive stats.
The Sun, on the other hand, is a giant, burning ball of gas. It’s surface temperature is almost 6,000K. That’s really hot. I’m pretty sure that a comet would melt or explode or something like that before it got within 100 miles of the sun. So this contest, really, is an easy call.
The Connecticut Sun are your WNBA Champions
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