That said, it’s late and I have to get up in a little more than four hours tomorrow morning to catch a flight, so I’ll give you the very abbreviated version of my turkey preparation ritual.

Smoked Turkey

Ingredients:

• 1 Butterball turkey — I like to get about 1lb. per person
• 2 bags of oak wood chips
• 1 Brinkman water smoker
• 750ml Signatory Vintage Islay 5yr single malt Scotch Whisky

If you live in LA, you can find this particular bottle of scotch at the Wine and Liquor Depot. It should run you about $20. If you live outside of LA you’re on your own.

Preparation:

1. Two days before you want to cook your bird, put the wood chips in to freezer bags and start soaking them in the whisky. No, I’m not kidding.
2. Thaw the turkey out. Don’t brine it. That’s why you got a Butterball — they come pre-brined.
3. One day before you want to cook your bird, make sure that you have an arseload of charcoal. You don’t want to run out. Trust me.
4. Build a good fire. That was fun, wasn’t it.
5. Set the smoker up over the fire. Pour the whisky remaining in the woodchip bags in to the water pan.
6. Put the turkey in the smoker. Make sure you have a meat thermometer in the thickest part of the turkey’s leg.
7. For the next ten or twelve hours, do the following:
   • When the smoker reports being colder than the “ideal” temperature, add charcoal.
   • When the smoker reports being hotter than the “ideal” temperature, don’t.
   • When there isn’t so much smoke coming out of the smoker, put a few more wood chips on the fire.
   • Enjoy a quiet day doing something simple and rewarding.
8. Once the thermometer reports that the turkey has reached the appropriate internal temperature (which I can’t remember off the top of my head — maybe 170? 180?), take it off the smoker, cut it up and eat it.

I’ve done this four times now, and it’s made me quite happy each and every time.

Whipped Cream

Ingredients:

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/4^th cup sugar
• 3 oz. Wild Turkey Bourbon Whiskey (101 proof)

Preparation:

1. Get a big bowl.
2. Fill it half full with ice.
3. Get a smaller, metal bowl.
4. Put it in the larger bowl, over the ice.
5. Put the cream, sugar and whiskey in the small bowl.
6. Using an electric mixer — because, seriously, people want desert and you don’t have time to use a whisk — whip the hell out of the whole thing until it looks and tastes like whipped cream.

There you go! Add an extra shot of bourbon to the chef for additional fun.

Mashed Potatoes

I got this one originally from Stephanie and have modified it in various and unhealthy ways over the years. I won’t say that it’s better than her original recipe, but it’s certainly worse for you.

Ingredients:

• 10 large-ish potatoes
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1/8^th cup Wild Turkey Bourbon Whiskey (101 proof)
• 1 beer

First and foremost a mild disclaimer: I’m swagging the measurements here. Big time. The “-ish” in the potatoes listing should give that away. Take everything slowly and carefully while preparing this dish. If something looks wrong, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure something out to mitigate. In the event of culinary disaster, just add more whiskey.

Preparation:

1. Skin the potatoes. Thoroughly. I know that there are people out there who like to mash them up with the skins still on them, claiming that it’s “better for you, blah blah blah.” This recipe isn’t about “better for you, blah blah blah.” It’s about swiftly and finally slamming your arteries shut and killing you dead, but with a great big smile on your face. So forget the skins. The spoil the visual esthetic of the dish.
2. Wash and dice the potatoes. Boil ‘em in a large stock pot.
3. Drink the beer. The potatoes will probably take a while to boil.
4. Mix the boiled potatoes, heavy cream, sour cream and whiskey with an electric blender until very smooth. Basically, mix them until they look smooth, and then keep it up for half again as long as you’ve already blended them.

Makes enough for a table full of people plus a couple days worth of leftovers.