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My favorite people at holiday parties are the great big killjoys. Half of the time they don’t want to be there, and the other half they want to leave. They’re wonderful people and they always brighten up the party. These misfits of the holiday party world often go under-appreciated. Learn to appreciate them and your holiday cocktail party experience will improve.

The Awkward Spouse

You’ll usually find the awkward spouse at corporate holiday events. They were dragged there by their significant other and they’d rather be anywhere else. Their interest in glad-handing the boss is minimal, and they could honestly care less what Trixie from HR did with those ten-twelve stroke four forms. Their only respite is the bar, and that’s where you’ll find them, drinking heavily.

What to talk to them about

Not the office. Mother of god, please, no, no the office. Art? Politics? Religion? Sure! Go to town! Want some dirt on their S.O.? They’ve probably had enough by now to tell you anything you’d like to hear.

What to drink with them

Their goal at the party is to get drunk and escape. Your goal should be to get them drunk and keep them there for comedic purposes. Try switching back and forth between beer and martinis, or something sweet and deceptive that one typically thinks they can drink a lot more of than they really can. White Russians come to mind here. At the end of the day, though, it doesn’t really matter. They’re desperate for a drink, so order whatever you want and they’ll usually go along with it.

The Man With No Holiday Spirit

“Happy Holidays, Frank!”

“Go to hell!”

Ever had this exchange at a holiday party? Why is Frank even there? Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what crawled up Frank’s ass and died. To aid you in this task: alcohol. Report back tomorrow morning at last call and report your findings.

What to talk to them about

Start out slow, avoiding the topic of the holidays entirely. You need to gain their trust first. After three or four rounds work your way in to minor summer holidays. Labor day or whatever. Order one or two more stiff ones and venture Thanksgiving. If you make it there, you’re set. Delve in to Christmas and similar over shots.

What to drink with them

Shots. Drink them to the immediate and fiery demise of the holiday season. Just be sure that you can keep up, least you end up on the losing end of the cocktail party truth-serum game of chicken.

Holiday cocktail parties are suppose to be fun, low-stress events where you catch up with your friends and enjoy the season over a drink or four. Sometimes, however, there’s angst added in by drinking misfits.

How can you properly enjoy your Peppermint Patty if you’ve got some booze snob reciting the history of schnapps to you, expecting you to be taking notes for the pop quiz that he’s got planned for after the party? Further, I’ll tell you for a fact that your martini will taste much, much worse when the clown sitting next to you pulls a PBR out of a paper bag and starts pouring it down. Both of these party abberants can spoil an evening for you. Know how to spot them!

The Sophisticate

“The Blackadder-bottled ‘91 Springbank is vastly superior to the ten-year-old distillery bottling.” I’d be a wealthy man if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one. Genuinely knowledgeable about all things related to alcohol, The Sophisticate often takes a verve for sharing his wealth of information well in to the realm of the completely pointless. He can tell you how to make any drink, but he can’t shut the hell up about which brand of gin goes best with the olives that you have.

What to talk to them about

Not alcohol. Anything but alcohol. If you insist on talking to them about alcohol, please wait until I leave the room.

If you decide to go the booze-talk route and you’re brave — or drunk — sing the virtues of the “Apple Martini.” If you’re able to credibly discuss the merits of different vodkas mixed with apple Pucker, you might be able to make their head explode.

What to drink with them

This is the one place where The Sophisticate truly shines. Also, it’s a handy way to get them to shut up. Hand them a few bottles and a glass and ask them to make you something interesting. Bonus points if they’re able to do something with Kahlua, Cointreau, a lime and a cocktail glass.

The Twelver of PBR

After you’ve spent a good deal of time planning a party and pairing drinks with your finger foods, there’s nothing worse than watching one of your guests show up at the door with a twelver of PBR. Yes, the beer goes with their fetchingly ironic t-shirt and scarf combination, but what in the hell are they doing bringing beer to a cocktail party? And what’s with the PBR? This isn’t college. What are they thinking?

What to talk to them about

Up side: anything you damn well want. As noted by the beer, they are not particular.

What to drink with them

For God’s sake make them a nice martini. Pour them a dram of a nice single malt. I usually don’t fall in favor of any sort of evangelism, but in this case I’ll make an exception. Bonus: when they don’t drink it, that’s another drink for you.

More Holiday Cocktail Party Field Guide

If there’s one constant at holiday cocktail parties, it’s booze. I’ve heard rumor that some people throw dry holiday parties, but I’m pretty sure that Emily Post herself said that you’re not obligated to go to them.

For the most part, people have one or two cocktails, converse pleasantly and have a fine time. Sometimes — when you’re lucky — one of the outliers will show out, and that’s where the quality kookspotting is. Keep an eye out for them and you’re bound to have fun.

The Happy Drunk

No matter what their personality is most of the time, they’re the life of the party after they’ve had six or eight drinks. Everybody is their best friend and the world is a wonderful place for them to live in. And then they yarf on your plants.

What to talk to them about

Anything that’s got you down, because man, they’ll find the bright side of thing. That bright side may have nothing to do with what you’re talking about, but dammit, it’ll be there. You’re at a party, so run with it.

What to drink with them

They’re trashed. Does it really matter? If you’re truly a kind soul, you’ll drink water with them after you’ve taken their keys.

The Angry Drunk

Much less sociable yet infinitely more amusing is the angry drunk. Two beers in and they start saying things like “now lemme tell you something about women.” A few more and they start taking swings at anybody who doesn’t think the 1968 Elvis Comeback Special isn’t the greatest live album ever produced. Bonus points if they’re armed.

What to talk to them about

Religion. Politics. College sports. Anything to get a rise out of them. You don’t get a lot of opportunities to antagonize people who can barely stand up straight. Temper this, of course, depending upon whose home you are in. If you’re hosting, perhaps goading them in to throwing the flatware at you isn’t the best move.

What to drink with them

If they’re offensive enough, throw change-ups. A round of beer followed by a Midori Sour followed by another beer followed by a martini followed by another beer…. You get the point. Again, don’t do this if they’re at your house, unless they’re confined to the back yard.

More Holiday Cocktail Party Field Guide

Love or hate them, this time of year you’re likely slated to go to a few holiday cocktail parties. Be they for work or social, this annual ritual of booze and seasonal joy can be an unmitigated disaster, a wonderful joy or anywhere in between.

I’m personally fond of the corporate holiday events: walking the fine line between being a great big stick-in-the-mud and getting tanked up and propositioning the office manager, waiting for somebody from accounting to get naked and dance on the table, stealing the managing partner’s crème brule. At a Christmas party I went to a few years ago, a former employee there as one of my coworker’s date tore apart a couch at the Ritz in Pasadena with a hunting knife. It was pretty spectacular.

One thing you can always count on at holiday cocktail parties is quality people-watching. There are a few types of party-goers that you’re almost certain to run across at each and every party you go to. As a public service, I’ll do brief profiles of several of the more prominent characters you’ll run across at these events.

These first two are rather obscure, but I’ve run in to them at three or four different events. They were also the first cocktail party people types I remember noticing, and sparked my interested in this particular brand of kookspotting.

The Aggressive Know-it-all

You always run in to people who believe that they know everything. That’s cool. More power to them. They’re useful for settling disputes, and you can learn a lot of interesting things from them. (Even if half of what they say is total BS.)

What makes them truly special is when unprovoked they challenge you to prove them wrong. One time I was at a James Bond-themes holiday cocktail party — why there was a theme above and beyond the holidays is beyond me — where one guest brought a grocery store cocktail set as a hostess gift. There was bourbon and sugar in the set, and our first specimen looked at it and asked “What can you make with bourbon and sugar?” A fair question indeed, and he had the answer. “The only thing is a mint julep. Am I wrong?”

He went on like this for the rest of the evening. “A flat tax would not be regressive. Am I wrong?” “Catholics can never eat fish on fridays. Am I wrong?” “Your hair looks terrible when it’s up like that. Am I wrong?” He got away with this unchallenged in every instance. It probably ruined his day.

What to talk to them about

The great up side to these folks is that they will talk to you about anything. The down side is that you probably don’t want to talk to them in the first place. If your simple goal is to be pleasant and socialize, the topic of conversation isn’t really important. Just smile, nod, and let them think that they’re the king of the intellectual world. Alternately, lure them in to your area of expertise and wait for an ill-placed “am I wrong?” If you’re forceful and solid when you pounce, you might just break them.

What to drink with them

Have an obscure cocktail up your sleeve, and make sure that its name gets mentioned. With any luck, our subject will swag at its ingredients and challenge the room to question him. This Is Where You Make Him Pay. Yes, it’s mean to prepare such traps, but it’s also fun.

The Local

They’re from the city where the party is being held, they’ve never lived anywhere else and they scarcely leave. Fiercely loyal to their home town, they’ll sing its praises all night long and will attack with tremendous fury if you dare speak ill of it.

This can be good and bad. If you’re in a cool town filled with cool people, you can hardly loose. They know everything that’s ever happened and can tell you all the cool stories. If you’re in a pretentious area, you’re in for a night of non-stop snobbery. This happened to me a few years back, when I heard one woman say “I’ve lived on the west side all my life” no less than ten times. She spent the entire evening talking smack about every other part of Los Angeles — including a great diatribe about how pedestrian the people in my part of town are. What’s worse is that she was loud, so I couldn’t really escape her.

What to talk to them about

If they’re cool, talk about their home town. Hear the stories, learn the culture, get the dirt. Did the town council really try to ban four-door cars back in the 80’s? Find out if the guy who runs that furniture shop on the edge of town really is the local weed hookup. If it’s a little crazy, they know it, and what could be more fun at a party?

If they’re a pain in the ass about their local pride, talk about the next town over. Even if you’ve never been there, it’s the greatest place on earth and this clown needs to hear about it.

What to drink with them

The dichotomy remains the same here: ask the cool local what people in their neck of the woods drink. Even if it’s crap, there’s probably a good story that goes along with it. With the jerk, I recommend Guinness. Go on and on and on about how Ireland is the greatest place on earth, and how noplace — noplace — could ever be as good. (note: this works less well in Ireland.)

More from the Holiday Cocktail Party Field Guide.

All right, it’s Friday. Finally. This will teach me to steal ideas from sitcoms.

I’d feel bad if I didn’t give the NBA a go. It’s the only sport I really follow. Perhaps I can have something more useful to say about the mascots this time around.

Per usual, teams ordered alphabetically (although this time by team name rather than by city name). The Spurs and Pistons got the byes on account of winning their conference tournaments last year.

Western Conference Tournament

1. Spurs
2. Blazers
3. Clippers
4. Grizzlies
5. Hornets
6. Jazz
7. Kings
8. Lakers
9. Mavericks
10. Nuggets
11. Rockets
12. Sonics
13. Suns
14. Timberwolves
15. Warriors

Spurs v. bye

It’s funny, because for such a good team, San Antonio sure does have a silly team name. Spurs

Blazers v. Warriors

Do you think the Blazers have ever played basketball on weed? Warriors

Clippers v. Timberwolves

Timberwolves are mean and hunt in packs and do well in the cold, but clippers are freaking ships. Ships beat dogs. Clippers

Grizzlies v. Suns

If it was just “sun” rather than “suns,” they would definitely beat a bear. The plural makes them sound more like far-away stars, and who’s afraid of that? Grizzlies

Hornets v. Sonics

The Sonics will go much less fast when they’ve got a huge stinger stuck in them. Hornets

Jazz v. Rockets

A few years ago I was planning one time on watching a space shuttle launch on TV. I got distracted listening to the radio and missed it. Jazz

Kings v. Nuggets

“Nugget” magazine isn’t sold in the front of most news stands. FYI. Kings

Lakers v. Mavericks

Tom Cruise played the “Maverick” character in the 80’s film “Top Gun.” I think that’s all you need to know. Lakers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Spurs v. Warriors

Professional soldiers vs. footwear accessories. Hmm…. Warriors

Clippers v. Kings

Kings can buy and sell boats. Kings

Grizzlies v. Lakers

Bears have always been comfortable in water. Grizzlies

Hornets v. Jazz

Hornets are so small. I’m pretty sure that if I were listening to a jazz show and there was a hornet around, I’d just crush it under my cocktail napkin. Jazz

Western Conference Semi-finals

Grizzlies v. Warriors

Bears are bad ass. True story. Grizzlies

Jazz v. Kings

Unfortunately, censorship in the arts is alive and well in most monarchies. Kings

Western Conference Finals

Grizzlies v. Kings

Grizzlies are the kind of bears that eat people for sport. Keep that in mind. Grizzlies

Eastern Conference Tournament

1. Pistons
2. 76ers
3. Bobcats
4. Bucks
5. Bulls
6. Cavaliers
7. Celtics
8. Hawks
9. Heat
10. Magic
11. Nets
12. Nicks
13. Pacers
14. Raptors
15. Wizards

Pistons v. bye

Detroit is lucky there was a bye here, as pistons are car parts. Pistons

76ers v. Wizards

I’ve read the Harry Potter books, so I know what wizards are all about. Wizards

Bobcats v. Raptors

This would be a great match-up, because I don’t think nature has ever seen it before (because dinosaurs are extinct). Raptors

Bucks v. Pacers

Bucks have antlers; horses do not. Bucks

Bulls v. Nicks

By rule, any animal beats a cut you get while shaving. Bulls

Cavaliers v. Nets

Even supporters of Charles I in the English Civil War could be part of the equipment in the game. Cavaliers

Celtics v. Magic

Drunk and Irish, the Celtics would be scrappy, but that won’t do them any good when they’ve been turned in to a giant green frog with a digestive disorder. Magic

Hawks v. Heat

Hawks can see mice in a field from like a mile up, which is braggable. Hawks

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Piston v. Wizards

Remember the part about pistons being part of an car engine? That engine wouldn’t work too well when a wizard shoots some sort of LIGHTNING BOLT at it. Wizards

Bucks v. Raptors

These guys were so rad in Jurassic Park. I’d bet they could beat an elk or whatever. Raptors

Bulls v. Magic

Magic would allow for the Bugs Bunny tricks where the bull charges and when you pull the red cape away all of the sudden there’s an anvil there. Magic

Cavaliers v. Hawks

Cavaliers have horses and lances and shit. That beats a bird. Cavaliers

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Cavaliers v. Wizards

The way I see this going down is the cavalier getting a lance or whatever and charging and then oh who am I kidding this is a dumb story the wizard wins kids. Wizards

Magic v. Raptors

In the movie, the raptors were eventually beaten by a scientist. As magic beats science every time, you know who wins here. Magic

Eastern Conference Finals

Magic v. Wizards

The abstract concept is bested by the concrete example. Wizards

NBA Finals

Wizards v. Grizzlies

If the bear could get in close, it’s an easy win. Wizards can fly and shoot lightning and stuff, so they could probably avoid the bear.

The Wizards are your NBA Champions!

Well, that was… fun. Hope you enjoyed this week.

More Sports with Woody.

Hockey is another one of those sports that I really don’t watch all so much. I enjoy it whenever I do watch it, but it just seems like it’s always so cold when they play — what with the ice and &C — and there are all the dudes in masks running around with sticks beating the hell out of each-other. Plus I have a hard time following the puck. Still, it’s a fast-moving sport, and it doesn’t have tons of insufferable breaks, so it gets a pass in my book.

I think I set the Stanley Cup teams from the last time the NHL got their act together to have a season up for byes in the first round. Sorry if I’ve messed something up here.

Eastern Conference Tournament

1. Tampa Bay Lightning
2. Atlanta Thrashers
3. Boston Bruins
4. Buffalo Sabres
5. Carolina Hurricanes
6. Florida Panthers
7. Montreal Canadiens
8. New Jersey Devils
9. New York Islanders
10. New Your Rangers
11. Ottawa Senators
12. Philadelphia Flyers
13. Pittsburgh Penguins
14. Toronto Maple Leafs
15. Washington Capitals

Lightning v. bye

Lightning + big sheets of ice don’t mix, kids. Who picked this name? bye

Thrashers v. Capitals

Those “skateboarding is not a crime” t-shirts never convinced anybody of anything. Capitals

Bruins v. Maple Leafs

Even UCLA students could beat a leaf. Bruins

Sabres v. Penguins

There’s way to much SLICING involved here for a flightless bird to manage. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Flyers

Don’t fly in hurricanes, kids. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Senators

I would love to see a bunch of panthers go at a room full of senators. Panthers (note: I really wanted to fix the pairings such that the Senators would go up against the Hurricanes, because we know how that played out last time.)

Canadiens v. Rangers

There’s a TV show called (I think) “Troops: Real Stories of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.” It’s like cops but with snow and Molsen Golden and shit. Rangers

Devils v. Islanders

Tasmanian or otherwise, they’ll crush a people who spend all their time surfing and playing steel drums. Devils

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Bruins v. bye

A free round. Bruins

Sabres v. Capitals

I grew up thinking that because the capitol building is tall, you spell it with an “a.” Turns out to be the other way around. I’ve always hated that word. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Rangers

If a hurricane can destroy a city, a band of rangers don’t stand a chance. P.S.: George Bush doesn’t care about black people. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Devils

Have you ever seen a panther play hockey with a pitchfork sticking through it? No, you haven’t. Devils

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Bruins v. Devils

A bear, on the other hand, could totally throw down with or without a protruding pitchfork. Bruins

Sabres v. Hurricanes

I heard that sometimes after a hurricane you can find sabres stuck all the way through trees. Hurricanes

Eastern Conference Championship

Bruins v. Hurricanes

Bears are tough and all, but they’re not that tough. Hurricanes

Western Conference Tournament

1. Calgary Flames
2. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
3. Chicago Blackhawks
4. Colorado Avalanche
5. Columbus Blue Jackets
6. Dallas Stars
7. Detroit Red Wings
8. Edmonton Oilers
9. Los Angeles Kings
10. Minnesota Wild
11. Nashville Predators
12. Phoenix Coyotes
13. San Jose Sharks
14. St. Louis Blues
15. Vancouver Canucks

Flames v. bye

Only one free round here. Whoo! Flames

Mighty Ducks v. Canucks

The Canucks are all “take off, a!” And the ducks are like “quack.” What sort of a name is “Mighty Ducks,” anyway? That inspires neither fear nor awe. Canucks

Blackhawks v. Blues

I love the blues. Truly I do. Don’t blackhawks helicopters have some sort of big freakin’ gun on them that can shoot through tanks? I’ll take that one. Blackhawks

Avalanche v. Sharks

You know, against any other animal I’d take the Avs, but against a shark it’d have to be one of those glacier avalanches that you see on the adverts for Alaskan cruises, and I’d bet a shark could just swim away from that and then where would the avalanche be? Under water, that’s where. Sharks

Blue Jackets v. Coyotes

If it was a green jacket from the PGA tour’s Masters tournament, that’d be a win because those groundskeepers keep the coyotes out on the real. Blue, though: what’s that all about? Coyotes

Stars v. Predators

I saw the movie “Predator.” Those guys were pretty bad-ass. Predators

Red Wings v. Wild

I arbitrarily choose the Red Wings here. Sorry. Red Wings

Oilers v. Kings

The kings in the middle east are doing so well against the oil interests. Mmm hmm. Oilers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Flames v. Canucks

It’s really cold in Canada. I bet they couldn’t stand any sort of intense heat. Flames

Blackhawks v. Sharks

I’ll bet that cannon could shoot all the way under water. Blackhawks

Red Wings v. Coyotes

You know, I chickened out on the Red Wings last time because I didn’t know what they are, and “Wild” is an abstract concept. This time, though, there’s a wild dog, and that’s pretty real, and has fangs. Coyotes

Oilers v. Predators

Another match I’d love to see. Especially when they go all translucent and shoot lasers or whatever they were. Predators

Western Conference Semi-finals

Flames v. Coyotes

Dogs pee on fire! Coyotes

Blackhawks v. Predators

The movie would have been over way too soon if Arnie had one of these helicopters at his disposal. Blackhawks

Western Conference Championship

Blackhawks v. Coyotes

You know, PETA would be up in freakin’ arms if we chased down coyotes with an armed helicopter. We should totally do that this weekend. Blackhawks

Lord Stanley’s Cup

Hurricanes v. Blackhawks

Let’s pretend I did a little research here:

Me: Um, hi, is this, like, the army? The Army: Yes it is, sir. Me: Those Blackhawks: helicopters, right? The Army: Yes they are, sir. Me: Do you fly them in hurricanes? The Army: No sir, we do not.

There you go. Conclusive proof.

The Hurricanes Are Your Stanley Cup Winners!

Have you ever been a couple days in with a few days still to go on something that turned out to not be quite as funny as you thought it would be? Yeah, me too. Maybe it’s because I’ve done the two boring sports — baseball and American football — that I don’t really like. It seems like both previous tournaments came out the same way: at the end of the day, it was either indians or giants winning the day.

Well, I’ve got a sure-fire cure for this minor literary malaise: The WNBA! They have all sorts of nuts names that the NFL would never even consider. Plus they don’t have that many teams, so I can get through this one relatively quickly. Here goes!

WNBA Tournament

1. Charlotte Sting
2. Connecticut Sun
3. Detroit Shock
4. Houston Comets
5. Indiana Fever
6. Los Angeles Sparks
7. Minnesota Lynx
8. New York Liberty
9. Phoenix Mercury
10. Sacramento Monarchs
11. San Antonio Silver Stars
12. Seattle Storm
13. Washington Mystics

Sting v. bye

A slow start, but we’ll make it through this. Sting

Sun v. bye

OK, so we have to do two of these. No big. Sun

Shock v. bye

Who puts 13 teams in a league?! Geez! Shock

Comets v. Mystics

All right! This is some action! I’m all the way for anything even vaguely magical winning, but I’m pretty sure that if a comet ran in to a wizard or what have you, it’d be game over. Comets

Fever v. Storm

A storm is immune to any sort of health-related ailment. Storm

Sparks v. Silver Stars

What temperature does silver melt at? I’ve got to think that it’s a lot higher than what you’d get off any sort of sparks. Silver Stars

Lynx v. Monarchs

Lynx are small and stealthy enough to steak past any sort of palace guard, and they’ve got CLAWS AND TEETH to rip in to some monarch flesh! Lynx

Mercury v. Liberty

Liberty is a wonderful thing. It’s part of what our country is based on. Mercury, on the other hand, has those rad shoes with wings on them. You can’t top rad shoes. Mercury

WNBA Quarter-finals

Sting v. Storm

I don’t care if you’ve got a whole swarm of hornets or a big fist full or scorpions. There’s nothing with a stinger that a little lightning and hail can’t take care of. Storm

Sun v. Silver Stars

Sparks wouldn’t do it, but I bet you the sun could melt the hell out of all the silver in the world. Sun

Shock v. Mercury

Speedy as he is, Mercury would be out like a light if you ran a current through him. Shock

Comets v. Lynx

Stealthy cats with claws and what have you don’t do so well when giant balls of ice and rock and metal from space run in to them. Comets

WNBA Semi-finals

Sun v. Storm

I’ve been watching for months now and I’ve not seen a storm permanently block out the sun. Sun

Shock v. Comets

Science has yet to study the effect of electricity on comets, but we know exactly what would happen if you ran a comet in to some sort of generator or power plant or battery or something like that. Comets

WNBA Finals

Sun v. Comets

The comet has had some impressive wins so far. It’s got an impact that’s hard to ignore, what with its traveling through space at zillions of miles an hour and being made of heavy, hard stuff. Those are impressive stats.

The Sun, on the other hand, is a giant, burning ball of gas. It’s surface temperature is almost 6,000K. That’s really hot. I’m pretty sure that a comet would melt or explode or something like that before it got within 100 miles of the sun. So this contest, really, is an easy call.

The Connecticut Sun are your WNBA Champions

More Sports with Woody

Inspired by Cheers’ “Woody,” we took a brief look at who would be the top dog in the NFL if matches were decided only by team name. I think the results were pretty convincing. How well might the same reasoning be applied to Major League Baseball?

Again, initial seeding was done alphabetically. I also had to give a couple of teams byes in the first round. Instead of figuring out a good way to do this, I just went with the first two teams on the list.

AL tournament

AL Tournament

1. Baltimore Orioles
2. Boston Red Sox
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Cleveland Indians
5. Detroit Tigers
6. KC Royals
7. LA Angels
8. Minnesota Twins
9. New York Yankees
10. Oakland Athletics
11. Seattle Mariners
12. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
13. Texas Rangers
14. Toronto Blue Jays

Oriels v. bye

Oriels

Red Sox v. bye

Red Sox

White Sox v. Blue Jays

Birds aren’t the toughest things in the world, but they beat a pair of socks. Blue Jays

Indians v. Rangers

Rangers typically needed the calvary to bail them out against the nature-wise indians. Unfortunately for them, baseball isn’t a tag-team sport. Indians

Tigers v. Devil Rays

Devil Rays are some sort of fish, right? If it were a dolphin, maybe, but it’s not, so: Tigers

Royals v. Mariners

Ancient or otherwise, men of the sea beat inbred silver spooners at single combat. Mariners

Angels v. Athletics

The Athletics are probably in pretty good shape, but that won’t help them against the supernatural. Angels

Twins v. Yankees

Twins on account of there are two of them.

AL Quarter-finals

Oriels v. Blue Jays

How exciting: the battle of the birds. Blue is my favorite color, so: Blue Jays

Red Sox v. Mariners

Bean-town will hate me for this, but I can’t in good faith suggest that sailors could be beaten at anything by a pair of socks of any color. Mariners

Indians v. Twins

Unlike their northern cousins, I don’t think indians would be fooled by their opponent having a twin. Indians

Tigers v. Angels

I don’t think an angel could bring himself to harm one of nature’s greatest creatures. The Tiger, on the other hand, would have no problem making a snack of an angel, wings, halo and all. Tigers

AL Semi-finals

Indians v. Blue Jays

It’s a miracle that a bird made it this far! Unfortunately, their Cinderella run must come to an end. Indians

Tigers v. Mariners

I actually saw this one on ESPN2 the other day. The Mariners thought they could best the Tigers by tricking them on to the boat and then forcing them overboard. Unfortunately, they forgot that tigers can swim. And have claws. And Teeth. It wasn’t pretty. Tigers

ALCS

Indians v. Tigers

Against any other man, I’d definitely give the edge to the big cat. However, the indians’ respect for and understanding of nature gives them an insurmountable edge over any animal. Indians

NL Tournament

1. Arizona Diamondbacks
2. Atlanta Braves
3. Chicago Cubs
4. Cincinnati Reds
5. Colorado Rockies
6. Florida Marlins
7. Houston Astros
8. LA Dodgers
9. Milwaukee Brewers
10. New York Mets
11. Philadelphia Phillies
12. Pittsburgh Pirates
13. San Diego Padres
14. San Francisco Giants
15. St. Louis Cardinals
16. Washington Nationals

Diamondbacks v. Nationals

I don’t care what kind of allegiance to country you have. If a rattlesnake bits you, you’re in bad shape. Diamondbacks

Braves v. Cardinals

Birds are cute and all, but they can’t top man. Braves

Cubs v. Giants

A full grown bear might stand a chance, but a mere cub wouldn’t last three rounds with a true giant. Giants

Reds v. Padres

I don’t think a communist would be inclined to fight fair against the preacher-man. Reds

Rockies v. Pirates

Mountains are large and majestic. And inanimate. Pirates

Marlins v. Phillies

Horses always beat sport fish. Phillies

Astros v. Mets

“Mets” is short for “Metropolitans,” right? Sounds like they’d pee themselves if they had to face the dog from “The Jetsons.” Astros

Dodgers v. Brewers

One team sounds much more drunk than the other. I can totally see the brewers smashing a bottle on the table and putting it to the Dodgers throat. Brewers

NL Quarter-finals

Diamondbacks v. Pirates

Snakes are dangerous, but not after you cut their head off with a cutlass! Pirates

Braves v. Phillies

This is the indian v. animal story that we’ve already heard like 1,000 times already. Braves

Giants v. Brewers

Drunk, belligerent and armed with a broken bottle is no match for being like 44 feet tall. Giants

Reds v. Astros

I really like the line in the movie “Fletch” when Fat Sam tells Fletch that he has some reds and Fletch responds, saying “do you mean Communists, Sam?” Reds

NL Semi-finals

Braves v. Pirates

Everybody knows that Ninjas always beat pirates. Indians are a lot like ninjas, especially in that they beat pirates in a fight. Braves

Giants v. Reds

Communism never would have taken hold if it had to fight off men with feet the size of Hondas. Giants

NLCS

Braves v. Giants

This would be just like Custer’s Last Stand, except the giants would just up and step on the indians. Giants

World Series

Indians v. Giants

Didn’t we just do this one? I mean, seriously. Sometimes it seems like there are only two or three actual team names. Oh well.

The Giants are your world champions!

More Sports with Woody.

Remember that episode of “Cheers” where Woody was betting on the NFL pool? He picked 12 of 12 games one week and decided to put $1,000 on his picks for the next week. His method: decide who should win by looking at the team names. If Chicago was playing Miami, you know pretty well that Chicago would win because a bear would almost certainly beat a dolphin. In the show, Woody hit all 12 of the games the week he bet, but Sam hadn’t placed the bet because Woody’s method couldn’t possibly work two weeks in a row. Woody was pretty angry, but he eventually forgave Sammy.

Perhaps Woody was on to something? At the very least, it’d be an amusing diversion to run through all of the leagues and see who would emerge victorious if they played one big single-elimination tournament. Let’s start as close as we can to Woody’s system by having a go with the NFL first. I’ve seeded the teams alphabetically by their names.

NFC tournament

1. Arizona Cardinals
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Chicago Bears
5. Dallas Cowboys
6. Detroit Lions
7. Green Bay Packers
8. Minnesota Vikings
9. New Orleans Saints
10. New York Giants
11. Philadelphia Eagles
12. San Francisco 49ers
13. Seattle Seahawks
14. St. Louis Rams
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
16. Washington Redskins

Cardinals v. Redskins

A little bird against an indian? Sorry, an indigenous person? Either way, the red man wins. Redskins

Falcons v. Buccaneers

Bird faces pirate. Easy call: Buccaneers

Panthers v. Rams

Our first evenly-matched bout of the tournament. Rams are pretty strong and bang the crap out of things with their heads. They’re also fast and good at climbing. Panthers, on the other hand, have all the attributes one would expect of a big cat: they’re strong, fast, stealthy, smooth, and totally sweet. They’re the ninjas of the animal world if you stop to think about it. On those grounds, I give them the round. Panthers

Bears v. Seahawks

I’m not quite sure what kind of bird a Seahawk is, but I’m pretty sure that there’s not a bird alive that a bear couldn’t handle. Bears

Cowboys v. 49ers

At the end of the day, this boils down to the weapons. The 49ers — miners — have pick axes and what have you. Cowboys, on the other hand, usually have a six-gun, which I’d take over hand-to-hand weapons any day of the week. Cowboys

Lions v. Eagles

Despite an eagle’s inherent eye-clawing prowess, I have to go with the big cat. You just can’t ignore the tale of the tape here. The lion has the eagle in height, weight and reach. Lions

Packers v. Giants

I like the Pack and had family in Wisconsin for the longest time, but that doesn’t change the fact that a giant would crush a normal man regardless of profession. Giants

Vikings v. Saints

Saints are pious and good. Vikings rape and pillage. You can probably guess which one I’d take in a fight. Vikings

NFC Quarter-finals

1. Panthers
2. Bears
3. Cowboys
4. Lions
5. Vikings
6. Giants
7. Buccaneers
8. Redskins

Panthers v. Redskins

I’m pretty sure that this has happened in nature once or twice. Your typical native American will have a good handle on besting animals in combat. Despite its ninja-like majesty, the panther looses. Redskins

Bears v. Buccaneers

You know me, and you know that I love pirates, but there’s no way a cutlass-wielding scalawag could best a bear. Plus, the pirates probably took a draw or two of the grog after the first round, which couldn’t help. Bears

Cowboys v. Giants

Bullets are useless against men of that size. Giants

Lions v. Vikings

Unlike native peoples, vikings have no natural affinity for combat against fauna of any sort. If instead of lions we were talking about villagers or young maidens, vikings all the way, but as things stand: Lions

NFC Semi-finals

1. Bears
2. Lions
3. Giants
4. Redskins

Bears v. Redskins

Once again, the native man’s mastery over beast carries the day. Redskins

Lions v. Giants

The savvy bettor would take the Lions + the points here, but that’s all for naught when the giant steps on the lion’s tail and tears its limbs off one by one. Giants

NFC championship

1. Giants
2. Redskins

Giants v. Redskins

This would be the ultimate battle if the redskin were the American Indian member of the Superfriends who could turn in to a giant. Or if he were and indian who turns in to a wolf. (that’s wolfen, man.) As is, it’s hard to imagine that a group of normal men — in tune with nature or otherwise — would stand a chance against a team two or three times its size. Giants

AFC tournament

1. Baltimore Ravens
2. Buffalo Bills
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns
5. Denver Broncos
6. Houston Texans
7. Indianapolis Colts
8. Jacksonville Jaguars
9. KC Chiefs
10. Miami Dolphins
11. New England Patriots
12. New York Jets
13. Oakland Raiders
14. Pittsburgh Steelers
15. San Diego Chargers
16. Tennessee Titans

Ravens v. Titans

A situation we’ve seen before with a small animal facing a giant humanoid. To top things off, this time they’re immortal! Titans

Bills v. Chargers

Bills is a stupid name. Chargers

Bengals v. Steelers

Steel workers are a hardy breed, but I don’t like their chances against a tiger. Bengals

Browns v. Raiders

Pirates can be drunk, belligerent and mutinous, but even at their worst they could beat a color. Raiders

Broncos v. Jets

Everybody loves horses. It’s a scientific fact. Look it up. That said, it’s hard to establish air-superiority when you can’t fly. Jets

Texans v. Patriots

History answers this one for us. Is Texas still a sovereign nation? Nope. Patriots

Colts v. Dolphins

This is a tricky one. Horses are bigger and stronger, but the fight would have to be in the water where the dolphin would hold a natural edge. Dolphins

Jaguars v. Chiefs

We need to quit pairing animals against indians. It’s just not fair. Chiefs

AFC Quarter-finals

1. Bengals
2. Chiefs
3. Dolphins
4. Patriots
5. Jets
6. Raiders
7. Chargers
8. Titans

Bengals v. Titans

The giant semi-god wipes the floor with the tiger. Titans

Chiefs v. Chargers

Chargers are some sort of lightning bolt, right? Weren’t Native Americans afraid of lightning or something like that back in the day? Chargers

Dolphins v. Raiders

A battle for the sea! Pirates are bigger and stronger than dolphins, but dolphins are so much smarter that I have to imagine that they’d find a way to win. Dolphins

Patriots v. Jets

Patriotism is a wonderful thing, but it doesn’t do you any good when your opponent is flying at 1,000 miles per hour and has all different sorts of guns and missiles pointing at you. Jets

AFC Semi-finals

1. Dolphins
2. Jets
3. Chargers
4. Titans

Dolphins v. Titans

They’re the smartest animals next to man, but as mentioned before, Titans are huge and immortal. So long, and thanks for all the fish! Titans

Jets v. Chargers

I saw a show on the Discovery channel that said that most airplanes can be hit by lightning and not really bat an eye. Which is kind of a letdown this late in the tournament. Jets

AFC championship

1. Jets
2. Titans

Jets v. Titans

Mythology versus military technology. Science versus legend. I’m sure the D&D crowd could come up with a way for the Titans to win, but nobody would hear them down there in their parents’ basement eating pizza and rolling 5d12. Assuming anything in the US Air Force designed and built after the early 1980’s, Jets in a walk. Jets

Superbowl

Giants v. Jets

Not unlike NFL in real life, the championship game is a letdown. The well coached team with good balance between offense and defense already beat a run and gun offensive virtuoso in the conference finals. Why wouldn’t they do the same in the Superbowl?

That said, anything can happen in the Superbowl, and it is an all New York game. Perhaps the Giants come up with some wonderful strategy where they scale The City’s skyscrapers and swat the Jets out of the air like King Kong. It could happen.

Realistically, though, this is as easy a call as any of the Jets’ other contests. There’s just no substitute for technology and air superiority. I’m honestly surprised that they don’t win the Superbowl each and every year.

The Jets are your Superbowl Champions!

More Sports with Woody.

OK, so it’s the day before Thanksgiving and you’re scrambling for a quick and easy way to put a turkey together. Look somewhere else. I don’t do that sort of thing. I smoke turkeys. They take upwards of ten hours to prepare.

That said, it’s late and I have to get up in a little more than four hours tomorrow morning to catch a flight, so I’ll give you the very abbreviated version of my turkey preparation ritual.

Smoked Turkey

Ingredients:

• 1 Butterball turkey — I like to get about 1lb. per person
• 2 bags of oak wood chips
• 1 Brinkman water smoker
• 750ml Signatory Vintage Islay 5yr single malt Scotch Whisky

If you live in LA, you can find this particular bottle of scotch at the Wine and Liquor Depot. It should run you about $20. If you live outside of LA you’re on your own.

Preparation:

1. Two days before you want to cook your bird, put the wood chips in to freezer bags and start soaking them in the whisky. No, I’m not kidding.
2. Thaw the turkey out. Don’t brine it. That’s why you got a Butterball — they come pre-brined.
3. One day before you want to cook your bird, make sure that you have an arseload of charcoal. You don’t want to run out. Trust me.
4. Build a good fire. That was fun, wasn’t it.
5. Set the smoker up over the fire. Pour the whisky remaining in the woodchip bags in to the water pan.
6. Put the turkey in the smoker. Make sure you have a meat thermometer in the thickest part of the turkey’s leg.
7. For the next ten or twelve hours, do the following:
   • When the smoker reports being colder than the “ideal” temperature, add charcoal.
   • When the smoker reports being hotter than the “ideal” temperature, don’t.
   • When there isn’t so much smoke coming out of the smoker, put a few more wood chips on the fire.
   • Enjoy a quiet day doing something simple and rewarding.
8. Once the thermometer reports that the turkey has reached the appropriate internal temperature (which I can’t remember off the top of my head — maybe 170? 180?), take it off the smoker, cut it up and eat it.

I’ve done this four times now, and it’s made me quite happy each and every time.