obfuscated.org

All right, it’s Friday. Finally. This will teach me to steal ideas from sitcoms.

I’d feel bad if I didn’t give the NBA a go. It’s the only sport I really follow. Perhaps I can have something more useful to say about the mascots this time around.

Per usual, teams ordered alphabetically (although this time by team name rather than by city name). The Spurs and Pistons got the byes on account of winning their conference tournaments last year.

Western Conference Tournament

1. Spurs
2. Blazers
3. Clippers
4. Grizzlies
5. Hornets
6. Jazz
7. Kings
8. Lakers
9. Mavericks
10. Nuggets
11. Rockets
12. Sonics
13. Suns
14. Timberwolves
15. Warriors

Spurs v. bye

It’s funny, because for such a good team, San Antonio sure does have a silly team name. Spurs

Blazers v. Warriors

Do you think the Blazers have ever played basketball on weed? Warriors

Clippers v. Timberwolves

Timberwolves are mean and hunt in packs and do well in the cold, but clippers are freaking ships. Ships beat dogs. Clippers

Grizzlies v. Suns

If it was just “sun” rather than “suns,” they would definitely beat a bear. The plural makes them sound more like far-away stars, and who’s afraid of that? Grizzlies

Hornets v. Sonics

The Sonics will go much less fast when they’ve got a huge stinger stuck in them. Hornets

Jazz v. Rockets

A few years ago I was planning one time on watching a space shuttle launch on TV. I got distracted listening to the radio and missed it. Jazz

Kings v. Nuggets

“Nugget” magazine isn’t sold in the front of most news stands. FYI. Kings

Lakers v. Mavericks

Tom Cruise played the “Maverick” character in the 80′s film “Top Gun.” I think that’s all you need to know. Lakers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Spurs v. Warriors

Professional soldiers vs. footwear accessories. Hmm…. Warriors

Clippers v. Kings

Kings can buy and sell boats. Kings

Grizzlies v. Lakers

Bears have always been comfortable in water. Grizzlies

Hornets v. Jazz

Hornets are so small. I’m pretty sure that if I were listening to a jazz show and there was a hornet around, I’d just crush it under my cocktail napkin. Jazz

Western Conference Semi-finals

Grizzlies v. Warriors

Bears are bad ass. True story. Grizzlies

Jazz v. Kings

Unfortunately, censorship in the arts is alive and well in most monarchies. Kings

Western Conference Finals

Grizzlies v. Kings

Grizzlies are the kind of bears that eat people for sport. Keep that in mind. Grizzlies

Eastern Conference Tournament

1. Pistons
2. 76ers
3. Bobcats
4. Bucks
5. Bulls
6. Cavaliers
7. Celtics
8. Hawks
9. Heat
10. Magic
11. Nets
12. Nicks
13. Pacers
14. Raptors
15. Wizards

Pistons v. bye

Detroit is lucky there was a bye here, as pistons are car parts. Pistons

76ers v. Wizards

I’ve read the Harry Potter books, so I know what wizards are all about. Wizards

Bobcats v. Raptors

This would be a great match-up, because I don’t think nature has ever seen it before (because dinosaurs are extinct). Raptors

Bucks v. Pacers

Bucks have antlers; horses do not. Bucks

Bulls v. Nicks

By rule, any animal beats a cut you get while shaving. Bulls

Cavaliers v. Nets

Even supporters of Charles I in the English Civil War could be part of the equipment in the game. Cavaliers

Celtics v. Magic

Drunk and Irish, the Celtics would be scrappy, but that won’t do them any good when they’ve been turned in to a giant green frog with a digestive disorder. Magic

Hawks v. Heat

Hawks can see mice in a field from like a mile up, which is braggable. Hawks

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Piston v. Wizards

Remember the part about pistons being part of an car engine? That engine wouldn’t work too well when a wizard shoots some sort of LIGHTNING BOLT at it. Wizards

Bucks v. Raptors

These guys were so rad in Jurassic Park. I’d bet they could beat an elk or whatever. Raptors

Bulls v. Magic

Magic would allow for the Bugs Bunny tricks where the bull charges and when you pull the red cape away all of the sudden there’s an anvil there. Magic

Cavaliers v. Hawks

Cavaliers have horses and lances and shit. That beats a bird. Cavaliers

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Cavaliers v. Wizards

The way I see this going down is the cavalier getting a lance or whatever and charging and then oh who am I kidding this is a dumb story the wizard wins kids. Wizards

Magic v. Raptors

In the movie, the raptors were eventually beaten by a scientist. As magic beats science every time, you know who wins here. Magic

Eastern Conference Finals

Magic v. Wizards

The abstract concept is bested by the concrete example. Wizards

NBA Finals

Wizards v. Grizzlies

If the bear could get in close, it’s an easy win. Wizards can fly and shoot lightning and stuff, so they could probably avoid the bear.

The Wizards are your NBA Champions!

Well, that was… fun. Hope you enjoyed this week.

More Sports with Woody.

Hockey is another one of those sports that I really don’t watch all so much. I enjoy it whenever I do watch it, but it just seems like it’s always so cold when they play — what with the ice and &C — and there are all the dudes in masks running around with sticks beating the hell out of each-other. Plus I have a hard time following the puck. Still, it’s a fast-moving sport, and it doesn’t have tons of insufferable breaks, so it gets a pass in my book.

I think I set the Stanley Cup teams from the last time the NHL got their act together to have a season up for byes in the first round. Sorry if I’ve messed something up here.

Eastern Conference Tournament

1. Tampa Bay Lightning
2. Atlanta Thrashers
3. Boston Bruins
4. Buffalo Sabres
5. Carolina Hurricanes
6. Florida Panthers
7. Montreal Canadiens
8. New Jersey Devils
9. New York Islanders
10. New Your Rangers
11. Ottawa Senators
12. Philadelphia Flyers
13. Pittsburgh Penguins
14. Toronto Maple Leafs
15. Washington Capitals

Lightning v. bye

Lightning + big sheets of ice don’t mix, kids. Who picked this name? bye

Thrashers v. Capitals

Those “skateboarding is not a crime” t-shirts never convinced anybody of anything. Capitals

Bruins v. Maple Leafs

Even UCLA students could beat a leaf. Bruins

Sabres v. Penguins

There’s way to much SLICING involved here for a flightless bird to manage. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Flyers

Don’t fly in hurricanes, kids. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Senators

I would love to see a bunch of panthers go at a room full of senators. Panthers (note: I really wanted to fix the pairings such that the Senators would go up against the Hurricanes, because we know how that played out last time.)

Canadiens v. Rangers

There’s a TV show called (I think) “Troops: Real Stories of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.” It’s like cops but with snow and Molsen Golden and shit. Rangers

Devils v. Islanders

Tasmanian or otherwise, they’ll crush a people who spend all their time surfing and playing steel drums. Devils

Eastern Conference Quarter-finals

Bruins v. bye

A free round. Bruins

Sabres v. Capitals

I grew up thinking that because the capitol building is tall, you spell it with an “a.” Turns out to be the other way around. I’ve always hated that word. Sabres

Hurricanes v. Rangers

If a hurricane can destroy a city, a band of rangers don’t stand a chance. P.S.: George Bush doesn’t care about black people. Hurricanes

Panthers v. Devils

Have you ever seen a panther play hockey with a pitchfork sticking through it? No, you haven’t. Devils

Eastern Conference Semi-finals

Bruins v. Devils

A bear, on the other hand, could totally throw down with or without a protruding pitchfork. Bruins

Sabres v. Hurricanes

I heard that sometimes after a hurricane you can find sabres stuck all the way through trees. Hurricanes

Eastern Conference Championship

Bruins v. Hurricanes

Bears are tough and all, but they’re not that tough. Hurricanes

Western Conference Tournament

1. Calgary Flames
2. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
3. Chicago Blackhawks
4. Colorado Avalanche
5. Columbus Blue Jackets
6. Dallas Stars
7. Detroit Red Wings
8. Edmonton Oilers
9. Los Angeles Kings
10. Minnesota Wild
11. Nashville Predators
12. Phoenix Coyotes
13. San Jose Sharks
14. St. Louis Blues
15. Vancouver Canucks

Flames v. bye

Only one free round here. Whoo! Flames

Mighty Ducks v. Canucks

The Canucks are all “take off, a!” And the ducks are like “quack.” What sort of a name is “Mighty Ducks,” anyway? That inspires neither fear nor awe. Canucks

Blackhawks v. Blues

I love the blues. Truly I do. Don’t blackhawks helicopters have some sort of big freakin’ gun on them that can shoot through tanks? I’ll take that one. Blackhawks

Avalanche v. Sharks

You know, against any other animal I’d take the Avs, but against a shark it’d have to be one of those glacier avalanches that you see on the adverts for Alaskan cruises, and I’d bet a shark could just swim away from that and then where would the avalanche be? Under water, that’s where. Sharks

Blue Jackets v. Coyotes

If it was a green jacket from the PGA tour’s Masters tournament, that’d be a win because those groundskeepers keep the coyotes out on the real. Blue, though: what’s that all about? Coyotes

Stars v. Predators

I saw the movie “Predator.” Those guys were pretty bad-ass. Predators

Red Wings v. Wild

I arbitrarily choose the Red Wings here. Sorry. Red Wings

Oilers v. Kings

The kings in the middle east are doing so well against the oil interests. Mmm hmm. Oilers

Western Conference Quarter-finals

Flames v. Canucks

It’s really cold in Canada. I bet they couldn’t stand any sort of intense heat. Flames

Blackhawks v. Sharks

I’ll bet that cannon could shoot all the way under water. Blackhawks

Red Wings v. Coyotes

You know, I chickened out on the Red Wings last time because I didn’t know what they are, and “Wild” is an abstract concept. This time, though, there’s a wild dog, and that’s pretty real, and has fangs. Coyotes

Oilers v. Predators

Another match I’d love to see. Especially when they go all translucent and shoot lasers or whatever they were. Predators

Western Conference Semi-finals

Flames v. Coyotes

Dogs pee on fire! Coyotes

Blackhawks v. Predators

The movie would have been over way too soon if Arnie had one of these helicopters at his disposal. Blackhawks

Western Conference Championship

Blackhawks v. Coyotes

You know, PETA would be up in freakin’ arms if we chased down coyotes with an armed helicopter. We should totally do that this weekend. Blackhawks

Lord Stanley’s Cup

Hurricanes v. Blackhawks

Let’s pretend I did a little research here:

Me: Um, hi, is this, like, the army? The Army: Yes it is, sir. Me: Those Blackhawks: helicopters, right? The Army: Yes they are, sir. Me: Do you fly them in hurricanes? The Army: No sir, we do not.

There you go. Conclusive proof.

The Hurricanes Are Your Stanley Cup Winners!

Have you ever been a couple days in with a few days still to go on something that turned out to not be quite as funny as you thought it would be? Yeah, me too. Maybe it’s because I’ve done the two boring sports — baseball and American football — that I don’t really like. It seems like both previous tournaments came out the same way: at the end of the day, it was either indians or giants winning the day.

Well, I’ve got a sure-fire cure for this minor literary malaise: The WNBA! They have all sorts of nuts names that the NFL would never even consider. Plus they don’t have that many teams, so I can get through this one relatively quickly. Here goes!

WNBA Tournament

1. Charlotte Sting
2. Connecticut Sun
3. Detroit Shock
4. Houston Comets
5. Indiana Fever
6. Los Angeles Sparks
7. Minnesota Lynx
8. New York Liberty
9. Phoenix Mercury
10. Sacramento Monarchs
11. San Antonio Silver Stars
12. Seattle Storm
13. Washington Mystics

Sting v. bye

A slow start, but we’ll make it through this. Sting

Sun v. bye

OK, so we have to do two of these. No big. Sun

Shock v. bye

Who puts 13 teams in a league?! Geez! Shock

Comets v. Mystics

All right! This is some action! I’m all the way for anything even vaguely magical winning, but I’m pretty sure that if a comet ran in to a wizard or what have you, it’d be game over. Comets

Fever v. Storm

A storm is immune to any sort of health-related ailment. Storm

Sparks v. Silver Stars

What temperature does silver melt at? I’ve got to think that it’s a lot higher than what you’d get off any sort of sparks. Silver Stars

Lynx v. Monarchs

Lynx are small and stealthy enough to steak past any sort of palace guard, and they’ve got CLAWS AND TEETH to rip in to some monarch flesh! Lynx

Mercury v. Liberty

Liberty is a wonderful thing. It’s part of what our country is based on. Mercury, on the other hand, has those rad shoes with wings on them. You can’t top rad shoes. Mercury

WNBA Quarter-finals

Sting v. Storm

I don’t care if you’ve got a whole swarm of hornets or a big fist full or scorpions. There’s nothing with a stinger that a little lightning and hail can’t take care of. Storm

Sun v. Silver Stars

Sparks wouldn’t do it, but I bet you the sun could melt the hell out of all the silver in the world. Sun

Shock v. Mercury

Speedy as he is, Mercury would be out like a light if you ran a current through him. Shock

Comets v. Lynx

Stealthy cats with claws and what have you don’t do so well when giant balls of ice and rock and metal from space run in to them. Comets

WNBA Semi-finals

Sun v. Storm

I’ve been watching for months now and I’ve not seen a storm permanently block out the sun. Sun

Shock v. Comets

Science has yet to study the effect of electricity on comets, but we know exactly what would happen if you ran a comet in to some sort of generator or power plant or battery or something like that. Comets

WNBA Finals

Sun v. Comets

The comet has had some impressive wins so far. It’s got an impact that’s hard to ignore, what with its traveling through space at zillions of miles an hour and being made of heavy, hard stuff. Those are impressive stats.

The Sun, on the other hand, is a giant, burning ball of gas. It’s surface temperature is almost 6,000K. That’s really hot. I’m pretty sure that a comet would melt or explode or something like that before it got within 100 miles of the sun. So this contest, really, is an easy call.

The Connecticut Sun are your WNBA Champions

More Sports with Woody

Inspired by Cheers’ “Woody,” we took a brief look at who would be the top dog in the NFL if matches were decided only by team name. I think the results were pretty convincing. How well might the same reasoning be applied to Major League Baseball?

Again, initial seeding was done alphabetically. I also had to give a couple of teams byes in the first round. Instead of figuring out a good way to do this, I just went with the first two teams on the list.

AL tournament

AL Tournament

1. Baltimore Orioles
2. Boston Red Sox
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Cleveland Indians
5. Detroit Tigers
6. KC Royals
7. LA Angels
8. Minnesota Twins
9. New York Yankees
10. Oakland Athletics
11. Seattle Mariners
12. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
13. Texas Rangers
14. Toronto Blue Jays

Oriels v. bye

Oriels

Red Sox v. bye

Red Sox

White Sox v. Blue Jays

Birds aren’t the toughest things in the world, but they beat a pair of socks. Blue Jays

Indians v. Rangers

Rangers typically needed the calvary to bail them out against the nature-wise indians. Unfortunately for them, baseball isn’t a tag-team sport. Indians

Tigers v. Devil Rays

Devil Rays are some sort of fish, right? If it were a dolphin, maybe, but it’s not, so: Tigers

Royals v. Mariners

Ancient or otherwise, men of the sea beat inbred silver spooners at single combat. Mariners

Angels v. Athletics

The Athletics are probably in pretty good shape, but that won’t help them against the supernatural. Angels

Twins v. Yankees

Twins on account of there are two of them.

AL Quarter-finals

Oriels v. Blue Jays

How exciting: the battle of the birds. Blue is my favorite color, so: Blue Jays

Red Sox v. Mariners

Bean-town will hate me for this, but I can’t in good faith suggest that sailors could be beaten at anything by a pair of socks of any color. Mariners

Indians v. Twins

Unlike their northern cousins, I don’t think indians would be fooled by their opponent having a twin. Indians

Tigers v. Angels

I don’t think an angel could bring himself to harm one of nature’s greatest creatures. The Tiger, on the other hand, would have no problem making a snack of an angel, wings, halo and all. Tigers

AL Semi-finals

Indians v. Blue Jays

It’s a miracle that a bird made it this far! Unfortunately, their Cinderella run must come to an end. Indians

Tigers v. Mariners

I actually saw this one on ESPN2 the other day. The Mariners thought they could best the Tigers by tricking them on to the boat and then forcing them overboard. Unfortunately, they forgot that tigers can swim. And have claws. And Teeth. It wasn’t pretty. Tigers

ALCS

Indians v. Tigers

Against any other man, I’d definitely give the edge to the big cat. However, the indians’ respect for and understanding of nature gives them an insurmountable edge over any animal. Indians

NL Tournament

1. Arizona Diamondbacks
2. Atlanta Braves
3. Chicago Cubs
4. Cincinnati Reds
5. Colorado Rockies
6. Florida Marlins
7. Houston Astros
8. LA Dodgers
9. Milwaukee Brewers
10. New York Mets
11. Philadelphia Phillies
12. Pittsburgh Pirates
13. San Diego Padres
14. San Francisco Giants
15. St. Louis Cardinals
16. Washington Nationals

Diamondbacks v. Nationals

I don’t care what kind of allegiance to country you have. If a rattlesnake bits you, you’re in bad shape. Diamondbacks

Braves v. Cardinals

Birds are cute and all, but they can’t top man. Braves

Cubs v. Giants

A full grown bear might stand a chance, but a mere cub wouldn’t last three rounds with a true giant. Giants

Reds v. Padres

I don’t think a communist would be inclined to fight fair against the preacher-man. Reds

Rockies v. Pirates

Mountains are large and majestic. And inanimate. Pirates

Marlins v. Phillies

Horses always beat sport fish. Phillies

Astros v. Mets

“Mets” is short for “Metropolitans,” right? Sounds like they’d pee themselves if they had to face the dog from “The Jetsons.” Astros

Dodgers v. Brewers

One team sounds much more drunk than the other. I can totally see the brewers smashing a bottle on the table and putting it to the Dodgers throat. Brewers

NL Quarter-finals

Diamondbacks v. Pirates

Snakes are dangerous, but not after you cut their head off with a cutlass! Pirates

Braves v. Phillies

This is the indian v. animal story that we’ve already heard like 1,000 times already. Braves

Giants v. Brewers

Drunk, belligerent and armed with a broken bottle is no match for being like 44 feet tall. Giants

Reds v. Astros

I really like the line in the movie “Fletch” when Fat Sam tells Fletch that he has some reds and Fletch responds, saying “do you mean Communists, Sam?” Reds

NL Semi-finals

Braves v. Pirates

Everybody knows that Ninjas always beat pirates. Indians are a lot like ninjas, especially in that they beat pirates in a fight. Braves

Giants v. Reds

Communism never would have taken hold if it had to fight off men with feet the size of Hondas. Giants

NLCS

Braves v. Giants

This would be just like Custer’s Last Stand, except the giants would just up and step on the indians. Giants

World Series

Indians v. Giants

Didn’t we just do this one? I mean, seriously. Sometimes it seems like there are only two or three actual team names. Oh well.

The Giants are your world champions!

More Sports with Woody.

Remember that episode of “Cheers” where Woody was betting on the NFL pool? He picked 12 of 12 games one week and decided to put $1,000 on his picks for the next week. His method: decide who should win by looking at the team names. If Chicago was playing Miami, you know pretty well that Chicago would win because a bear would almost certainly beat a dolphin. In the show, Woody hit all 12 of the games the week he bet, but Sam hadn’t placed the bet because Woody’s method couldn’t possibly work two weeks in a row. Woody was pretty angry, but he eventually forgave Sammy.

Perhaps Woody was on to something? At the very least, it’d be an amusing diversion to run through all of the leagues and see who would emerge victorious if they played one big single-elimination tournament. Let’s start as close as we can to Woody’s system by having a go with the NFL first. I’ve seeded the teams alphabetically by their names.

NFC tournament

1. Arizona Cardinals
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Chicago Bears
5. Dallas Cowboys
6. Detroit Lions
7. Green Bay Packers
8. Minnesota Vikings
9. New Orleans Saints
10. New York Giants
11. Philadelphia Eagles
12. San Francisco 49ers
13. Seattle Seahawks
14. St. Louis Rams
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
16. Washington Redskins

Cardinals v. Redskins

A little bird against an indian? Sorry, an indigenous person? Either way, the red man wins. Redskins

Falcons v. Buccaneers

Bird faces pirate. Easy call: Buccaneers

Panthers v. Rams

Our first evenly-matched bout of the tournament. Rams are pretty strong and bang the crap out of things with their heads. They’re also fast and good at climbing. Panthers, on the other hand, have all the attributes one would expect of a big cat: they’re strong, fast, stealthy, smooth, and totally sweet. They’re the ninjas of the animal world if you stop to think about it. On those grounds, I give them the round. Panthers

Bears v. Seahawks

I’m not quite sure what kind of bird a Seahawk is, but I’m pretty sure that there’s not a bird alive that a bear couldn’t handle. Bears

Cowboys v. 49ers

At the end of the day, this boils down to the weapons. The 49ers — miners — have pick axes and what have you. Cowboys, on the other hand, usually have a six-gun, which I’d take over hand-to-hand weapons any day of the week. Cowboys

Lions v. Eagles

Despite an eagle’s inherent eye-clawing prowess, I have to go with the big cat. You just can’t ignore the tale of the tape here. The lion has the eagle in height, weight and reach. Lions

Packers v. Giants

I like the Pack and had family in Wisconsin for the longest time, but that doesn’t change the fact that a giant would crush a normal man regardless of profession. Giants

Vikings v. Saints

Saints are pious and good. Vikings rape and pillage. You can probably guess which one I’d take in a fight. Vikings

NFC Quarter-finals

1. Panthers
2. Bears
3. Cowboys
4. Lions
5. Vikings
6. Giants
7. Buccaneers
8. Redskins

Panthers v. Redskins

I’m pretty sure that this has happened in nature once or twice. Your typical native American will have a good handle on besting animals in combat. Despite its ninja-like majesty, the panther looses. Redskins

Bears v. Buccaneers

You know me, and you know that I love pirates, but there’s no way a cutlass-wielding scalawag could best a bear. Plus, the pirates probably took a draw or two of the grog after the first round, which couldn’t help. Bears

Cowboys v. Giants

Bullets are useless against men of that size. Giants

Lions v. Vikings

Unlike native peoples, vikings have no natural affinity for combat against fauna of any sort. If instead of lions we were talking about villagers or young maidens, vikings all the way, but as things stand: Lions

NFC Semi-finals

1. Bears
2. Lions
3. Giants
4. Redskins

Bears v. Redskins

Once again, the native man’s mastery over beast carries the day. Redskins

Lions v. Giants

The savvy bettor would take the Lions + the points here, but that’s all for naught when the giant steps on the lion’s tail and tears its limbs off one by one. Giants

NFC championship

1. Giants
2. Redskins

Giants v. Redskins

This would be the ultimate battle if the redskin were the American Indian member of the Superfriends who could turn in to a giant. Or if he were and indian who turns in to a wolf. (that’s wolfen, man.) As is, it’s hard to imagine that a group of normal men — in tune with nature or otherwise — would stand a chance against a team two or three times its size. Giants

AFC tournament

1. Baltimore Ravens
2. Buffalo Bills
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns
5. Denver Broncos
6. Houston Texans
7. Indianapolis Colts
8. Jacksonville Jaguars
9. KC Chiefs
10. Miami Dolphins
11. New England Patriots
12. New York Jets
13. Oakland Raiders
14. Pittsburgh Steelers
15. San Diego Chargers
16. Tennessee Titans

Ravens v. Titans

A situation we’ve seen before with a small animal facing a giant humanoid. To top things off, this time they’re immortal! Titans

Bills v. Chargers

Bills is a stupid name. Chargers

Bengals v. Steelers

Steel workers are a hardy breed, but I don’t like their chances against a tiger. Bengals

Browns v. Raiders

Pirates can be drunk, belligerent and mutinous, but even at their worst they could beat a color. Raiders

Broncos v. Jets

Everybody loves horses. It’s a scientific fact. Look it up. That said, it’s hard to establish air-superiority when you can’t fly. Jets

Texans v. Patriots

History answers this one for us. Is Texas still a sovereign nation? Nope. Patriots

Colts v. Dolphins

This is a tricky one. Horses are bigger and stronger, but the fight would have to be in the water where the dolphin would hold a natural edge. Dolphins

Jaguars v. Chiefs

We need to quit pairing animals against indians. It’s just not fair. Chiefs

AFC Quarter-finals

1. Bengals
2. Chiefs
3. Dolphins
4. Patriots
5. Jets
6. Raiders
7. Chargers
8. Titans

Bengals v. Titans

The giant semi-god wipes the floor with the tiger. Titans

Chiefs v. Chargers

Chargers are some sort of lightning bolt, right? Weren’t Native Americans afraid of lightning or something like that back in the day? Chargers

Dolphins v. Raiders

A battle for the sea! Pirates are bigger and stronger than dolphins, but dolphins are so much smarter that I have to imagine that they’d find a way to win. Dolphins

Patriots v. Jets

Patriotism is a wonderful thing, but it doesn’t do you any good when your opponent is flying at 1,000 miles per hour and has all different sorts of guns and missiles pointing at you. Jets

AFC Semi-finals

1. Dolphins
2. Jets
3. Chargers
4. Titans

Dolphins v. Titans

They’re the smartest animals next to man, but as mentioned before, Titans are huge and immortal. So long, and thanks for all the fish! Titans

Jets v. Chargers

I saw a show on the Discovery channel that said that most airplanes can be hit by lightning and not really bat an eye. Which is kind of a letdown this late in the tournament. Jets

AFC championship

1. Jets
2. Titans

Jets v. Titans

Mythology versus military technology. Science versus legend. I’m sure the D&D crowd could come up with a way for the Titans to win, but nobody would hear them down there in their parents’ basement eating pizza and rolling 5d12. Assuming anything in the US Air Force designed and built after the early 1980′s, Jets in a walk. Jets

Superbowl

Giants v. Jets

Not unlike NFL in real life, the championship game is a letdown. The well coached team with good balance between offense and defense already beat a run and gun offensive virtuoso in the conference finals. Why wouldn’t they do the same in the Superbowl?

That said, anything can happen in the Superbowl, and it is an all New York game. Perhaps the Giants come up with some wonderful strategy where they scale The City’s skyscrapers and swat the Jets out of the air like King Kong. It could happen.

Realistically, though, this is as easy a call as any of the Jets’ other contests. There’s just no substitute for technology and air superiority. I’m honestly surprised that they don’t win the Superbowl each and every year.

The Jets are your Superbowl Champions!

More Sports with Woody.

OK, so it’s the day before Thanksgiving and you’re scrambling for a quick and easy way to put a turkey together. Look somewhere else. I don’t do that sort of thing. I smoke turkeys. They take upwards of ten hours to prepare.

That said, it’s late and I have to get up in a little more than four hours tomorrow morning to catch a flight, so I’ll give you the very abbreviated version of my turkey preparation ritual.

Smoked Turkey

Ingredients:

• 1 Butterball turkey — I like to get about 1lb. per person
• 2 bags of oak wood chips
• 1 Brinkman water smoker
• 750ml Signatory Vintage Islay 5yr single malt Scotch Whisky

If you live in LA, you can find this particular bottle of scotch at the Wine and Liquor Depot. It should run you about $20. If you live outside of LA you’re on your own.

Preparation:

1. Two days before you want to cook your bird, put the wood chips in to freezer bags and start soaking them in the whisky. No, I’m not kidding.
2. Thaw the turkey out. Don’t brine it. That’s why you got a Butterball — they come pre-brined.
3. One day before you want to cook your bird, make sure that you have an arseload of charcoal. You don’t want to run out. Trust me.
4. Build a good fire. That was fun, wasn’t it.
5. Set the smoker up over the fire. Pour the whisky remaining in the woodchip bags in to the water pan.
6. Put the turkey in the smoker. Make sure you have a meat thermometer in the thickest part of the turkey’s leg.
7. For the next ten or twelve hours, do the following:
   • When the smoker reports being colder than the “ideal” temperature, add charcoal.
   • When the smoker reports being hotter than the “ideal” temperature, don’t.
   • When there isn’t so much smoke coming out of the smoker, put a few more wood chips on the fire.
   • Enjoy a quiet day doing something simple and rewarding.
8. Once the thermometer reports that the turkey has reached the appropriate internal temperature (which I can’t remember off the top of my head — maybe 170? 180?), take it off the smoker, cut it up and eat it.

I’ve done this four times now, and it’s made me quite happy each and every time.

One of the best parts of Thanksgiving is eating a truckload of desserts that require whipped cream. When else do you get to pull this kind of stunt? Here’s how I make mine.

Whipped Cream

Ingredients:

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/4^th cup sugar
• 3 oz. Wild Turkey Bourbon Whiskey (101 proof)

Preparation:

1. Get a big bowl.
2. Fill it half full with ice.
3. Get a smaller, metal bowl.
4. Put it in the larger bowl, over the ice.
5. Put the cream, sugar and whiskey in the small bowl.
6. Using an electric mixer — because, seriously, people want desert and you don’t have time to use a whisk — whip the hell out of the whole thing until it looks and tastes like whipped cream.

There you go! Add an extra shot of bourbon to the chef for additional fun.

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Scalzi‘s listings from the Rough Guides‘ Movie guides. They make me wonder what the canon lists of movies would be for specific topics. I’ve listed a few that I think should be on the list (sticking to movies that I’ve seen, of which there are far too few). What else belongs there?

By request, the Vegas movie canon. Vegas exists in a dual movie state for me. In the summer it’s “Fear and Loathing” country, and the winter it’s all Rat Pack. What movies say “Vegas” to you?

• Casino
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
• Oceans 11 (the original Rat Pack version)
• Oceans 11 (the quite good recent remake)
• Swingers (there’s so much truth to the “Vegas Baby!” scene)

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Scalzi‘s listings from the Rough Guides‘ Movie guides. They make me wonder what the canon lists of movies would be for specific topics. I’ve listed a few that I think should be on the list (sticking to movies that I’ve seen, of which there are far too few). What else belongs there?

It’s Friday. If you’re reading this blog, I’d say that you ain’t got shit to do. I’m gonna talk about movies that’ll get you high!

Pot movies have always been my guilty pleasure. I’m possibly the world’s biggest square, but I just can’t get enough of movies where the heros bumble around, baked out of their brains getting sidetracked by talking bags of Doritos. I like the uncertainty that comes along with these movies. Sometimes they have something important to say. Sometimes they’re just stupid fun. The only constant, really, is the Doritos.

I couldn’t in good faith stop at five today, but there are legion more that I haven’t seen. What are the good ones? Which movies make you laugh like a Canadian Olympic snowboarder?

• Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
• Dazed and Confused
• Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
• Friday
• Half Baked
• Super Troopers
• The Big Lebowski
• The Muppet Movie

More Alternate Film Canons.

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Scalzi‘s listings from the Rough Guides‘ Movie guides. They make me wonder what the canon lists of movies would be for specific topics. I’ve listed a few that I think should be on the list (sticking to movies that I’ve seen, of which there are far too few). What else belongs there?

Growing up, every kid on the block had a plan for what they would do if they learned that “the bomb” was about to drop. A friend of mine who lived around the corner once declared triumphantly that he would “go outside and play some basketball,” not being fond, I imagine, of a world filled with fallout victims and nuclear mutants. More power to him. It’s good to have a plan.

A world-ending atomic war isn’t so much of a worry for today’s kids. This is definitely a good thing, but the will miss out on some fine cinema. I wonder how the old bomb-scare movies will play with generations who never did the old “duck and cover” drill. When they finally see them, which ones do you think they should watch?

• Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
• The Iron Giant
• Spies Like Us
• The Mouse That Roared
• Wargames

More Alternate Film Canons.