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Day VI!

Top Six Gender-Appropriate Outfits I Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead Wearing In Public (pics required)

Ok, this one I think I could do. First off, I can’t see myself wearing a dashiki.

I don’t know. Just not my thing. For similar reasons, the Canadian tuxedo doesn’t really work for me, either.

Sorry, Jay.

Since I’m not European, I’ll say that the speedo is right out as well.

I’m beginning to think that the Euro Speedo Dude is a myth, as they only Euro Dude beach frolicking stories I’ve every heard involved beachgoing au natural, which in its own way is better than the speedo. More honest, at least.

I can never remember the Safe Word, so the Gimp look is out.

Perhaps the most regrettable look ever — that I would not for a moment consider rocking, unless it was really, really funny, in which case maybe — is the frat-boy multiple collars, some popped, some not look.

What on earth are those guys thinking?

Finally, I’ll call upon the good doctor to let me know what not to wear:

“I’d like to get hold of some priests’ robes,” I said. “They might come in handy in Las Vegas.”

But there were no costume stores open, and we weren’t up to burglarizing a church. “Why bother?” said my attorney. “And you have to remember that a lot of cops are good vicious Catholics. Can you imagine what those bastards would do to us if we got busted all drugged-up and drunk in stolen vestments? Jesus, they’d castrate us!”

So I’ll not be dressing as the Pope, either.

Day 5.

Top Five “Top Ten Lists” That I Found Outrageously Wrong

No. Just… no.

The madness continues. The weekends are tough, because I don’t have that “at work, waiting for the coffee to kick in” time to think about what to write. Oh well. Onward!

Top Four Things I’m Really Bad At Doing

1. Golf. Lord almighty am I bad at golf. Often I give up scoring with numbers and use symbols. One time I made the 7th hole in lightning bolt after making the sixth in pentagram. I attribute this to the fact that 95-99% of the time I’m golfing is at bachelor parties and I’m three or five beers in to things by the fourth hole. Or at least the fourth hole for me. I usually hit six or eight or whatever the maximum is on at least half the holes, so it takes me eight holes to actually sink four. Anyway, yeah: I’m awfully bad at golf.
2. Corresponding. You’d think what with the email and the basically free VOIP and the atomic hover video chat, it’d be easier to keep up with the people I’d like to keep up with, but I just don’t do it. So everybody who doesn’t live in Southern California who wonders why I never write/call/atomic video yell, it’s just because I’m bad at that sort of thing.
3. Crossword puzzles. I just don’t have the patience/mind for remembering trivia.

Patmeme ho! Day three!

I’m tired this evening, so I’m not really going to try. Sorry.

1. Rockport
2. Vasque
3. Adidas

Wow that was lame.

Continuing on from yesterday’s Patmeme kickoff, we’re now at Day two:

Top Two Pets I Won’t Let My Children Have

1. A cat. I’m violent allergic to cats. Plus I just don’t like them. Sorry, Fletch.
2. A parrot. This aversion is probably shared by much of the San Gabriel Valley. We’ve had a feral parrot problem for at least ten years. The damn things set up shop in a tree outside your window — dozens and dozens of them — and just squawk and squawk and squawk…. I hate them. I really do. I’m not a fan of guns at all, but I’d be all for issuing a shotgun to every home in the SGV that agreed to shoot at these damn birds whenever possible.

Extra bonus question: What one animal would I definitely let my child have?

A falcon, to hunt the parrots.

Behold: Pat is doing his Top Ten List of top “ten” list memes, which allows for TEN DAYS OF PATMEME.

Day one:

Top One Vacation Destination to Visit If I’m Confined To A Wheelchair

I’m going to break Pat’s rules right out of the gate and answer twice: Once for the relative sedentary vacation — i.e., both of my legs are very and recently broken and it hurts to move them even a little (or if you just feel like being sedentary) — and one for a more active vacation. It’s the only fair way to do it, I think.

For the laid-back vacation, I’d say a film festival. Lots of sitting to be done, which would suite a wheelchair just fine. The question of which film festival to go to is important, though. I doubt France as something akin to the ADA, which would make getting around a pain in the ass, so Cannes is out. Sundance is in Utah, and they have those messed up blue laws (although I hear they’ve gotten better), so forget that. I’d probably say that Toronto, given that it’s in Canada, which is exclusively populated by the most polite people on earth, would be a pretty perfect destination. You could probably get perfect strangers to wheel you from theatre to theatre there. Yeah. So the Toronto International Film Festival it is.

If I’m shooting for action, though, I think the only way to be sure is to find some sort of Murderball/Thunderdome-style wheelchair basketball camp. I don’t know if one exists — as a vacation destination, at least — but I think that’d be the way to go.